Christmas 2019

It’s Christmas Day and, as our camping trip was cancelled due to the whole damned country being on fire, we’ve spent the day cleaning and rearranging the house ready for tomorrow’s family lunch.

I was ready pretty early this year, with exception of gifts running late for the niece and nephews so I had to brave Christmas at the shopping centre. Not fun. We went to see The Adams Family at the cinema yesterday (the new cartoon one) which was absolutely delightful and managed to remain in the spirit of the Adams Family while doing its own kid friendly thing. turns out I love junior sessions too, they give me a pee break half way through the movie.

Last week we saw Rise of Skywalker too. Fuck I loved that movie. I’ve seen the sobbing fan boys and all but it was good. It gave Leia a dignified and powerful send off and rounded out the story beautifully.

So, in short, it’s been pretty chill this past few days.

Sadly my usual Christmas stress is here in force and ruining the fun. Although it’s a testament to the lessons of therapy that this year I can name why.

In short, things are good but a bit tense.

I hope you’re all having a lovely, peaceful, Christmas.

2019 in Review

So 2019 happened…

I didn’t blog much. There wasn’t much to say really.

I spent the first three quarters of the year wrangling my mental health. With the help of a holistic psychiatrist I improved my nutrient intake and dropped my medications. The final step down didn’t go well so I’m on a new medication that is working really well and continuing to work on the elements of diet and lifestyle that support my mental health.

My physical health has gradually improved. The germs that Rabbit brings home from daycare means that I’ve been sick a lot but it’s gradually improving. My Beloved on the other hand got pneumonia and landed their ass in hospital with an abscess is their lung. They’re ok now but they’ve lost about 10% of their lung capacity on one side.

I am continuing work for the little events company I’ve been with for the last year and am loving it more everyday. I will be incredibly sad when it comes to an end.

My beloved was made redundant in August. They are now working as a consultant and have an ongoing position lined up for next year. I am so incredibly proud of how they handled the redundancy so soon after being sick, and so very happy for them with the positions they’ve found. They are doing so well.

Rabbit grows at an insane rate. She’s bright, cheerful, inquisitive and fearless. Everything a shortly-to-be-two year old should be. Her big sisters are amazing, as always.

My disappointments for the year are few.

I didn’t make as much art as I’d like, but I did make art.
I didn’t read enough, but I did read.
I didn’t socialise enough, but my health is improving so it balances out.

Overall this year has been brutal but rewarding.

A Little Happy

Nothing huge or exciting here, just a small win.

I’ve been contracting with an awesome business for the past while and I’ve been asked to stay on a potential 12 more months working alongside the admin I’ve been covering maternity leave for as she’d like to go part-time for a while so she’s not away from her Little too much.

I am absolutely down for that.

Secondary win. They are chill about me needing time off when it’s time to finally go off my meds. They’ve been hugely supportive actually. It’s nice.

Pick one and start

It’s been a hard couple of weeks.

I’m dropping down my antidepressant medication which hasn’t been much drama in the past, but apparently this is no longer the case. I did know the last 2 doses (100mg to 50mg and then 50mg to 0) would be the hardest, but I wasn’t counting on my beloved being away for week 1 and extremely sick and bedridden for week 2.

I feel like crap. I am emotionally either completely checked out or wanting to cry and hide. This is not fun when trying to care for a toddler and a bedridden partner.

I also feel hopeless. I’m meant to be working on improving my health but all I want to do is crawl into a hole. Everything is just way too hard and I keep looking at all the (often conflicting) advice and information I’ve been given over the years and stalling

I’ve also been reading this book: Brief Lessons in Creativity by Tate. I haven’t finished it despite it being tiny which is frustrating, however it has inspired the sanest response to the diet thing I have managed to have.

Just start. Pick a spot, any spot, and start working. So I am. Simple spot to start with: Lactose and Soft drink. Neither get along with my gut so I’m starting with removing them.

I know where I want to be at the end of this. It’s something resembling a Paleo or Keto diet with a tiny bit more carbs involved (I need them evil carbs for serotonin uptake issues that influence my depression), but I can’t just ‘do it’ right now. So I’m starting with one thing that I can, and have previously, managed to do and working on it that way.

Wait… It’s June???? WTF!!!

It’s been hectic as hell.

Since my last post I started work, then we went to Confest, teething begun, Rabbit got sick, I applied to uni, then I got sick, then Daddy got sick, then we all got better, then we all got sick again and now we are right here….

Sick. We’re always sick. Goddamned Kindy

It’s been hectic. Really hectic, and to top it off I’m dropping another dose of my meds. Which brings me down to a quarter of what I was on in January. Today is the first day.

I feel like death.

Here’s to Tears

I thought I was doing better last week.

I went out, I saw people, I did all the things. I think the actual fact of it was that I was too busy to notice how fucked up I was. This week I’m not, and I have fallen over completely. Crying at the drop of a hat. Feeling guilty about needing time to study. Feeling even worse about taking time to myself to the point that I’m not. If I can’t drop it instantly to deal with family/house/baby I’m avoiding it entirely…

We leave for camping on Wednesday and I’m back to not wanting to go. Afraid I’ll just fuck it up for everyone else.

Here’s to the tears. Another week of surviving. Another round of medication changes. And another week of one foot in front of the other regardless of the brain.

It’s been a while

I’ve not had much energy for blogging in the past few weeks so it’s now mid-March and no one┬áhas heard anything from me since January.

Photo of baby girl in a blue onsie with little grey trees on it.

The Good:

  • Rabbit is ever adorable, sleeping quite well for her age and developing nicely.
  • I’m back at uni and enjoying it.
  • I have the world’s best partner who is doing their best to take care of me.
  • My blood pressure has returned to normal after a few weeks of it being very high post birth.
  • I am doing some work with a lovely lady and learning some new skills along the way.

The Bad:

  • Uni is a struggle, do you know hard it is to study with an infant? Really fucking hard.
  • I do not function well without sleep.
  • I had to stop working on the Hekate stuff to fit in life stuff. This makes me sad.
  • I am so many shades of out of spoons.

The (really) Ugly:

  • My mental health has gone to hell in a handbasket. Primarily, we feel, because of lack of sleep combined with the added stress of motherhood and uni combined. I am… unwell. Very much so. The people I want to know the details already do, but suffice to say my medication is being upped to help my brain cope with everything and I’ve done an awful lot of crying recently.
  • My floors… just don’t look at them if you visit.

2017 Redux (Yeah we're early)

It’s closing on the end of the year and… I’m sick, again.

Off work with lots of time to kill today and I can tell you that with 3 months to go 2017 has been one hell of a ride.

  • Sick – all year. I’ve been constantly sick.
  • Except for that one time when I was pregnant… Ah, that’s kind of ongoing. It’s nice to know I hadn’t suffered through weeks of nausea for nothing though ;p
  • Inflamed medial nerve – hey presto, we know what’s wrong with my hands and how to take care of them.
  • MARRIAGE! I’m married and holy fuck is that a mind trip. Honestly it’s changed nothing and everything all at the same time.

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  • Lipstick – didn’t really become a happening thing. Go back to the sick part. When getting out of bed is a literal nightmare then makeup is the last thing you give a shit about.
  • Reading – thanks to being sick I have actually done a fair bit of this. I have also found some new comics I really like recently.
  • PUPPY! Ok so he’s 8, but we welcomed the beautiful Kovu to the family just after Easter 2017 and the big goof has fitted right in. We have some minor behavioural issues to work on – someone likes to bark at all the passing trucks and cars for several hours of a morning – but overall it’s gone really well. He’s a very polite, but super cheeky boy.

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  • Depression has been neither a winning nor losing battle. My meds can’t keep up with current lack of sleep and hormonal changes, but I’ve come a massively long way since I started therapy and I having coping mechanisms in place that I never thought I would.
  • Home continues to go well. We have all the patio areas in and I started staining the plinths for under the last section of fencing to go in. Once we’ve done that we can look at grass and then gardens. It’s been a long slow process with My Wolf’s ongoing travel for work.
  • PREGNANCY! The latest in a long list of things shaking up my world. I’m now 22 weeks pregnant. I have a very normal and healthy baby growing inside me and a great Obstetrician and GP taking care of me. Not to mention all the love and patience from my husband… and god does he need patience, because perpetual exhaustion does not sit well with me, and I am currently the grumpiest human being ever.
  • 1 year at my job… today I think or soon.

 

So yeah, if 2017 could refrain from throwing any more huge things at me that would be fucking awesome. I’d like 2018 to maybe be a little bit calmer? Newborn aside.

Changes Realised

I have spent most of today crying.

I cried because I couldn’t get the dog to calm down. I cried because I hadn’t gotten the kitchen fully cleaned. I cried because a layer of dust had settled over the couch again after I spent half an hour cleaning it last night thanks to the high winds today. I cried because I hadn’t cleaned our bedroom. I cried because I almost blew up the vacuum just before I finished vacuuming. I cried because the dining room table hadn’t been done (and it won’t be tonight).

I have felt like a complete failure from beginning to end.

Somewhere in there I realised that, as terrible as today has been for me emotionally, over all I cry a lot less these days. The support of my loving mate, the medication and doctors, and the encouragement of friends and family, have pulled me out of the black hole I used to live in everyday.

A few minutes ago I came to another realisation. The reason being so truly overwhelmed really, really, REALLY sucks so much worse than it used to is because it is now so rare. It’s not something I live with on a day to day basis…

And that’s nice.

And now I’m gonna eat my ice cream, clean my dinner dishes and go to bed, because today has truly sucked.

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