Relief

I’ve been holding a lot of stress in lately.

It started with the doctors appointment. Previous doctors have been unreceptive to the list of symptoms, going so far as to tell me that if I want to get better then I just have to lose weight or that I’m making shit up to get medications. So I went in STRESSED, and I think I only really started to let it go today.

The doctor was actually great. She listened to me, went over the family history, made sure I got my flu shot before I left, and referred me to a physio and dietician after making sure that I had support for my mental health still.

The physio is ok. Reassuring in some ways, but I get the impression he doesn’t quite believe me when I say it all hurts. At the end of the day though he’s only looking after the acute pain in my back, and the exercises he’s given me are doing so much to help that I have zero complaints.

But the dietician… I adore her already. She was wonderful. Went over my full health history, made some suggestions of things to chat to my doctor about in regards to possible causes for current issues, and walked me through the process we’re going to take for the time being. I have her email and assurance that it will be no bother if I email her to clarify or check anything. Mostly, though, I think the best thing was having someone tell me to stop worrying about my weight. Just to stop, that tending to my diet and digestive problems, working on lowering my pain levels, and improving my sleep will take care of that so just stop worrying about.

I almost cried then and there. The sheer relief of having someone else say it after being constantly bombarded with ‘lose weight, there is nothing wrong with you’ was overwhelming.

It’ll be a while till everything has been ticked off the list of possible causes and an actual cause located, but in the meantime I feel really supported by the team of medical professionals I’m dealing with, and finally like I’m a bit more in control of what’s going on.

That said I give it 24 hours till I’m swearing blue-murder about being back on the full fodmap diet. 

2015 in Review

Holy shit, what a year!

Mental health went to shit and then it got slowly better. Now it is in the best place I remember it ever being. Unfortunately physical health then followed along the same path. Thankfully it too is also now good thanks to actual diagnosis of an actual problem, not just random guesses and/or being dismissed by doctors. That caused massive dietary changes very recently so I’m cooking more, feel better and am just, in general, doing well.

Things are well on the home front despite the health dramas. The Wild One and I go from strength to strength, supporting each other through the years challenges. The twins and I continue to get along and have good times. We’re building a house. We’re planning a wedding. The former appears to be easier than the latter.

I have found myself in great company throughout the year. Reconnecting with old friends and finding a more social me gradually. I’ve been blessed to find myself back in the company of W (I don’t know he’d appreciate his name on my blog), and therefore in the company of his lovely people. I was blown away at the first dinner he threw post my diagnosis when everyone, including people I didn’t know, went out of their way to make things I could eat. Just… people do shit like that!?!

Work carries on. It’s good mostly and now that my health is better I’ve been able to identify issues and have started to address them so that I can work better and be happier there. I am content with that as movement. There were a lot of highly stressful and massive changes through the year, but it’s getting there.

So the goals I’d set for 2015 were:

  1. Continue with the building of solid relationships. – Great Victory! There are friends, and twins, and gorgeous partner.
  2. Cut back on the alcohol and sugar. – Also Great Victory!! Like seriously HUGE victory. On both fronts.
  3. Cook things. Lots of things. New things. Use the fucking cookbook collection. – Fuck yes on the first bit, the change of diet aside I’ve done more cooking this year than I have in years. Tried a lot of new things.
    Not so much with using my cookbooks. I really think I need to give 99% of them away. And then replace them with ones I will actually use. 
  4. Learn to work wood, silversmith and make incense. – I failed this one. Too much other things happening. I’m ok with this.So, for all the stress and drama of the year, this has been a good year. It was a struggle, but everything has been moving towards something. The pain has always proceeded or been part of growth.2015, in short, was a great success.

D-Day for a Quiet War

I’ve been at war with my body as long as I can remember.

My body was difficult. My body was broken. My body was stupid.

I grew up tall and gangly, with long red hair and glasses. I was soft, sensitive and shy – ripe picking for the schoolyard bullies. I hit puberty early and hard. I’d hit my D-cups by 13. I had hips. I was harder on the surface but between schoolyard bullying and grown men sexually harassing me I was a mess.

My body was difficult. My body was broken. My body was stupid.

My weight soared and fell over and over in my early twenties. I rarely felt good. I was frequently tired. Where the bullying ended my self criticism started. Too soft, too fat, not well dressed enough. My weight slammed down in my mid twenties when it was the least important thing happening in my life. One mental breakdown later and 6 months where my house was a prison.

My body was difficult. My body was broken. My body was stupid.

And back up it went in my late twenties. Climbing and climbing as I tried changing my diet, exercising more, and mentally beating myself. Too fat, too soft, too tired. Always bloated too. Never ever good enough. Always desperate to get my weight to stop, to go down not up.

My body was difficult. My body was broken. My body was stupid.

And then the D-day came. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune illness. One that directly effects my digestive system.

My body was sick. My body was hurting. My body needed care. 

The medication is easy. The diet changes are hard. The relationship with my body has completely changed for the better, a thousand-fold. I am mentally and physically healthier than I’ve been in many, many, years. I am no longer at war with my body.

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