Christmas 2019

It’s Christmas Day and, as our camping trip was cancelled due to the whole damned country being on fire, we’ve spent the day cleaning and rearranging the house ready for tomorrow’s family lunch.

I was ready pretty early this year, with exception of gifts running late for the niece and nephews so I had to brave Christmas at the shopping centre. Not fun. We went to see The Adams Family at the cinema yesterday (the new cartoon one) which was absolutely delightful and managed to remain in the spirit of the Adams Family while doing its own kid friendly thing. turns out I love junior sessions too, they give me a pee break half way through the movie.

Last week we saw Rise of Skywalker too. Fuck I loved that movie. I’ve seen the sobbing fan boys and all but it was good. It gave Leia a dignified and powerful send off and rounded out the story beautifully.

So, in short, it’s been pretty chill this past few days.

Sadly my usual Christmas stress is here in force and ruining the fun. Although it’s a testament to the lessons of therapy that this year I can name why.

In short, things are good but a bit tense.

I hope you’re all having a lovely, peaceful, Christmas.

Spring has come!!

Finally, the weather is warm enough that I don’t need a jumper and we can have the back door open. It’s gorgeous today, a bit windy up here, but absolutely gorgeous and it is making me feel better about life at large. 


Look at that sun, the wind means the big doors remain closed, but looks at that SUN!

2017 Redux (Yeah we’re early)

It’s closing on the end of the year and… I’m sick, again.

Off work with lots of time to kill today and I can tell you that with 3 months to go 2017 has been one hell of a ride.

  • Sick – all year. I’ve been constantly sick.
  • Except for that one time when I was pregnant… Ah, that’s kind of ongoing. It’s nice to know I hadn’t suffered through weeks of nausea for nothing though ;p
  • Inflamed medial nerve – hey presto, we know what’s wrong with my hands and how to take care of them.
  • MARRIAGE! I’m married and holy fuck is that a mind trip. Honestly it’s changed nothing and everything all at the same time.

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  • Lipstick – didn’t really become a happening thing. Go back to the sick part. When getting out of bed is a literal nightmare then makeup is the last thing you give a shit about.
  • Reading – thanks to being sick I have actually done a fair bit of this. I have also found some new comics I really like recently.
  • PUPPY! Ok so he’s 8, but we welcomed the beautiful Kovu to the family just after Easter 2017 and the big goof has fitted right in. We have some minor behavioural issues to work on – someone likes to bark at all the passing trucks and cars for several hours of a morning – but overall it’s gone really well. He’s a very polite, but super cheeky boy.

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  • Depression has been neither a winning nor losing battle. My meds can’t keep up with current lack of sleep and hormonal changes, but I’ve come a massively long way since I started therapy and I having coping mechanisms in place that I never thought I would.
  • Home continues to go well. We have all the patio areas in and I started staining the plinths for under the last section of fencing to go in. Once we’ve done that we can look at grass and then gardens. It’s been a long slow process with My Wolf’s ongoing travel for work.
  • PREGNANCY! The latest in a long list of things shaking up my world. I’m now 22 weeks pregnant. I have a very normal and healthy baby growing inside me and a great Obstetrician and GP taking care of me. Not to mention all the love and patience from my husband… and god does he need patience, because perpetual exhaustion does not sit well with me, and I am currently the grumpiest human being ever.
  • 1 year at my job… today I think or soon.

 

So yeah, if 2017 could refrain from throwing any more huge things at me that would be fucking awesome. I’d like 2018 to maybe be a little bit calmer? Newborn aside.

Changes Realised

I have spent most of today crying.

I cried because I couldn’t get the dog to calm down. I cried because I hadn’t gotten the kitchen fully cleaned. I cried because a layer of dust had settled over the couch again after I spent half an hour cleaning it last night thanks to the high winds today. I cried because I hadn’t cleaned our bedroom. I cried because I almost blew up the vacuum just before I finished vacuuming. I cried because the dining room table hadn’t been done (and it won’t be tonight).

I have felt like a complete failure from beginning to end.

Somewhere in there I realised that, as terrible as today has been for me emotionally, over all I cry a lot less these days. The support of my loving mate, the medication and doctors, and the encouragement of friends and family, have pulled me out of the black hole I used to live in everyday.

A few minutes ago I came to another realisation. The reason being so truly overwhelmed really, really, REALLY sucks so much worse than it used to is because it is now so rare. It’s not something I live with on a day to day basis…

And that’s nice.

And now I’m gonna eat my ice cream, clean my dinner dishes and go to bed, because today has truly sucked.

2016 in Review.

It’s mid-ish November, I’ve just logged out of my facebook with no idea when I plan on logging back in and removed the app from my phone.

Trump is President-elect of the United States which is mildly terrifying, and our government is sending off-shore processed refugees to there… because why not send them to a country that doesn’t want them.

Earlier this year the Australian people voted mother-fucking Pauline Hansen into parliament, and failed to boot our shitty ass government out in favor of better things. We’re still a coalition.

David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Prince, Muhammad Ali, Gene Wilder and Leonard Cohen all died… Bowie, Rickman and Prince were pretty fucking devastating. After Bowie it all just melted into a pot of ‘God, fuck, no’.

In my personal life it’s been up and down.

On the down I was retrenched in April, been broke, been sick several times, have lost very little weight, have had a world of stress on my shoulders, haven’t made much art, finances are tight, and it’s generally been a rough year.

On the up… We moved into our house with help of amazing friends. The house is gorgeous and feels like ours in a way that rentals never do. I’m happy here and we’re building our life together which is amazing. The wedding planning continues with a few minor setbacks and we’re pretty fucking excited about life at large.

I have some answers to health problems that have lessened the complaints from my stomach and digestive track which has improved my overall health in many ways. I have much lower pain issues thanks to the same change in diet plans that helped my stomach as they also alleviated a lot of the inflammation in my joints. On top of that I have a diagnosis for my foot pain that has lead to improvements in feet, ankles, knees, hips and lower back which has been awesome. So much less pain means so much better sleep. Better sleep means more stable me, and that means…

I’m coming off my meds, successfully as far as we can tell. The first 2 weeks were a nightmare, but the anxiety has settled down to generally being caused by something or due to being over tired and unable to reign in stress over inconsequential shit. So I’m now at week four.

About a month back I also started a new job which I am loving. I’ve gone from 4 half days to four full days and am stepping up to take over the roster coordinator role whilst they’re on leave. I’m scheduling, and it’s challenging enough to be interesting without being super stressful like the old job was. I love it, and am hoping to be there for a few years while I study.

Speaking of, I started the pre-requisite classes for my degree this year, and it is going super well. I did really well on my portfolio and first essay – High distinctions on both. So now I’m waiting on results from my final essay and chat board grades (participation markers because we’re online students). So that’s good. Next semester is Statistics so… panic stations.

Mum is coming down for Christmas too, which is nice. We’ll also have the cousins, in-laws, bro-in-law and wifey with kids in tow. It’s gonna be big and fun. First family Christmas we’ve done since I moved in.

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So yeah, that’s my year in redux. No idea what the next month and a half will bring, but it better be better than Trump and no more people dying or else. It’s summer. Have a photo from a few weeks back when we climbed Hanging Rock. Look, it’s me and stuff.

We're In!

We’re in!! Such excitement, such exhaustion.

So much happiness.

The move went well. It’s only claim was our fridge. Which was a bit of a shit so we now have a new fridge (and a dishwasher on order!). Unpacking goes slowly and I am so very, very, sore and tired.

On a happier note the new oven is HUGE and works. The Stove top is HUGE and the main burner evenly heats the pans!!! <Insert Happy Dance Here>

That’s it really. I’m now back to job hunting around the unpacking, and looking forward to yoga tonight and a hot bath afterwards. So very happy with life right now.

 

SQUEE!

We have the cheque which means we can have the house on Friday!!!!

And we have curtains!

And… a fucking huge mess that is me packing shit. Soooooo tired, trying so hard to avoid the soft drink.

Last Night I Was a Dance Mom

No, not really. Except kind of?

We got a late night call on Friday informing us that M’s costume hadn’t had the sleeves sewn on. So the girls bought those and their head pieces for another bit round in the morning and I got to sewing. I’m pretty sure that falls under dance mom stuff.

The show was incredible. It was the last one for the school. It was closing it’s doors after 34 years and it was pretty heartfelt and very emotional by the end. I was absolutely blown away by the girls. It was the first time I’d seen them really perform and they’re incredible young dancers with lots of promise. I’m not sure what they plan on doing next year as far as dance and sports goes, but I was so proud of them.

So this is me rambling on like an actual proud parent type. You may all point and laugh now. Don’t care.

Also I made Teriyaki Chicken skewers for the after party and they were insanely good. Recipe to come after I’ve tried it a few more times. Needs tweaking. 

And this morning I also made buckwheat pancakes. Those definitely need some tweaks. Mum’s recipe doesn’t quite translate to GF and they were a touch on the dry side. 

Festival of Change

I had a pretty intense experience over the weekend at the festival, and there’s a lot I can’t and won’t talk about, but what I will is about safe spaces and how they can, in very short periods of time, change everything. The festival I was at was basically one big hippy gathering – there was art, music, meditation circles, music, amazing food, music, drumming classes, aikido lessons, music, mud baths, wood fire heated steam tents and showers, and did I mention the music? In a several thousand strong camp (consisting of some of the best of people I have ever met) you could not walk anywhere without music at pretty much all hours of the night.

I watched, I danced, I tranced around the bonfire and participated in the ecstatic dance workshop, and I spent a lot of time just talking and walking… mostly I let go.

The environment here was safe in the sense that there was no pressure, no fear, no concerns about being judged. Everyone was there for the same reason – to enjoy themselves. I wore what I wanted, I didn’t think twice about ditching excess clothing when dancing the bonfire because there was no concern that I would be touched in appropriately or be harassed, I told a complete naked stranger she was beautiful and hugged her…

Bonfire… topless… in the centre of a circle of 50+ people I danced topless with absolutely no shame or fear.

The result? By the time we left that place I had pretty much done a mental three sixty.

I feel connected with myself and the world around me. I’m in love with everything all over again. The city delights me, I breath the colours and the movement, sunrise is incredible and I’m blessed to be faced with it of a morning. I’m excited to create and dream and I want to change – myself and my world.

The things about depression and anxiety is that you get stuck in it, and you do begin to fear change. Change is scary, it can be the thing that sets back months and years of work. Even outside of that there is so much fear – what if people don’t like me, that thing I do isn’t socially acceptable people will judge me, I can’t do that I’m not good enough.

Places like Confest, people like the attendees of Confest, break you away from that. There’s the encouragement to dream big and go for it, to be an authentic and alive you. To live, love, communicate and collaborate with the world around you. And in a very small space of time that kind of place, where you’re free of judgement at the same time as being actively encouraged to chase dreams, can change everything.

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