Pick one and start

It’s been a hard couple of weeks.

I’m dropping down my antidepressant medication which hasn’t been much drama in the past, but apparently this is no longer the case. I did know the last 2 doses (100mg to 50mg and then 50mg to 0) would be the hardest, but I wasn’t counting on my beloved being away for week 1 and extremely sick and bedridden for week 2.

I feel like crap. I am emotionally either completely checked out or wanting to cry and hide. This is not fun when trying to care for a toddler and a bedridden partner.

I also feel hopeless. I’m meant to be working on improving my health but all I want to do is crawl into a hole. Everything is just way too hard and I keep looking at all the (often conflicting) advice and information I’ve been given over the years and stalling

I’ve also been reading this book: Brief Lessons in Creativity by Tate. I haven’t finished it despite it being tiny which is frustrating, however it has inspired the sanest response to the diet thing I have managed to have.

Just start. Pick a spot, any spot, and start working. So I am. Simple spot to start with: Lactose and Soft drink. Neither get along with my gut so I’m starting with removing them.

I know where I want to be at the end of this. It’s something resembling a Paleo or Keto diet with a tiny bit more carbs involved (I need them evil carbs for serotonin uptake issues that influence my depression), but I can’t just ‘do it’ right now. So I’m starting with one thing that I can, and have previously, managed to do and working on it that way.

Oops, it’s February

Crap, this year is just getting away from me. It’s already been a big one.

Word art 'January' in white with blue and gold decorative swirls around it on a black background
  • Rabbit had her 1st Birthday. They’re up and crawling and getting into mischief.
  • We went camping. It was a great three nights away in Central Vic just out of Little Desert.
  • I made the call not to return to study this year as I need to focus on my health. My leave of absence was approved without an issue.
  • I dropped down a dose of my antidepressant. Outside of being sick for several days it went very well.
  • M & J got their further study offers. M is doing an associate diploma in IT and J was offered a university place in law.
  • J moved back in.
  • B went to the USA and we survived!
  • We finally got a plan mapped out for the backyard. This includes building B an office out there so Rabbit isn’t under his feet when he’s working.
Image of 'February' in decorative text with vine like decorations around it on a pink background.
  • Rabbit has started standing on her own and attempting to walk. They’re not quite there yet, but soon.
  • Dropped another 50mg off my antidepressants with minimal fuss.
  • B and I have had 2, yes TWO!!!! date nights. One at the gorgeous Le Bon Ton and one, for my birthday, at Meat Maiden.
  • I decided to start putting together a folio to apply to RMIT fine arts and then got distracted and decided to add one of the arts institues to my applications. Big folio required.
  • Did an oil painting course and it rocked and suddenly I LOVE painting.
  • Turned 35.
  • Had a tarot reading with Ly De Angeles, who is fucking amazing. It was really interesting and I’m still digesting it and transcribing it days later.
  • B went to NZ.

And, right now, I’m butting heads with my diet. I need to keep improving it, but a lot of what is good for me is downright bad for J and not really stuff M will eat, so I cook two meals every night, or variations on one meal, or suck it up? I’m really fucking frustrated. I’m not able to just say cook for yourselves either, or I don’t feel like I can. *Sigh*

Images from Every-Tuesday blog by Teela. An awesome blog for those looking to get into or improve their skills in Lettering.

Decisions

I have seriously been considering shutting this blog down. 

The changes to how domains work through wordpress screw me over, adding an extra third of the cost I currently spend yearly to the bill. It’s ridiculous. 

Instead I’m considering the option of transferring my domain to the host for my business. Not sure yet. 

I have a dreamwidth account that will be used as a brain dump in a way I’m not comfortable doing in such a public forum as this blog. Friends can touch base to get the details if they want it. 

Life goes on, I’m sick and feel awful tonight but I had a long bath and that was awesome. 

The Worst

The worst thing about depression is the things your brain tells you that you know aren’t true but you can’t help feeling anyway. 

Right now I am feeling like a waste of air, worth nothing, and hopelessly incapable of even being a good mother. Logically I know that this isn’t even a little bit true, but fucked if I don’t want to bawl like a baby anyway. 

Art, Work, and Losing Ground

Christ things are hard at the moment.

On the good!

I really enjoy working in events. It’s great and the team I’m working for are lovely. The work is all day and full on so I don’t get bored and clock watch at all, which is wonderful. I also don’t tend to bring any of the day’s stresses home with me.

I got a HD for my first portfolio submission at uni. I was half way through my 2nd year when I dropped out and was a bit worried that it would go to hell in a hand basket as I was out of practice. All is good. (Two of my first works below)

Rabbit is growing fast and turning into a right little explorer of the world. She loves water, and gardening. Unfortunately I’ve had to cordon off one of my plants as she tries to garden inside a lot. She also enjoys food a lot aespecially vegemite and cheese sandwiches (but also including catfood and random things off the floor).

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I’m really enjoying my studies, and am plannign personal artworks for when I have 5 damned minutes. I have a painting sketched up for one friend and another in development for a different friend.

 

The Bad…

Christ things are hard.

There’s nothing other then the three things above.

All my work on my mental health has stalled and I’ve lost a lot of ground. I’ve barely been able to work for my other clients in months and I’m perpetually out of spoons. I havent moped, cooked a decent meal or spent much time with my Beloved Wolf for quite a while and I see no end in sight.

I leave off uni for two days and then I completely ose my routine and start struggling to keep up, but working every night leaves no time for anything outside of Rabbit – which I have to bust my ass to make time for as it is.

I don’t know, there’s no point to this. Life is life, and right now it’s hard.

I don’t even…

I’m exhausted. I’m in massive amounts of pain daily. And I have a joyful bundle of almost 8-month-old bouncing all over me.

She’s the best.

I want to quit on life.

That’s all I got right now.

2019 – Motto and Goals

Motto: One step at a time will get me where I’m going.

Look, I’m fucking dreadful for attempting to do all the things at once and giving myself a breakdown so it’s a good motto.

2019 Goals

  • Continue working on eliminating negative self talk (I do expect this to be on my list for many years to come).
  • Continue working to be healthier in both mind and body.
  • Help B do the yard for Fae.
  • Finish things I’ve already started.
    • 3 x crochet blankets.
    • Pants
    • 2 x Dresses
  • Paint without a plan.
  • Weave.
  • Maybe, just maybe, find my way back to life drawing.

That’s it really. It’s not a huge list, but it’s a worthy one. Most importantly it allows for rest and lots of it.

New Beginnings

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                                                   Me, March 2017 preparing for my wedding.                                                     Photo by the talented Bianca of The Love Jug.

In March I married.

In April I fell pregnant.

In June I realised I was pregnant. I was a little slow on the uptake after being told I would never conceive naturally for most my adult life.

In November I sit here, a week off maternity leave, and really reflect on who I am, where I am and what I want to be as a person, as a witch and, most importantly right this minute, as a mother.

I’m Bones, mid-30’s, female bodied gender-queer, married step-mum to 2 teens, mentally ill, witch, creative and facing down the biggest question of my life: ‘Can I be half as awesome a mother as mine was?

This blog will cover for me on all fronts. So if you’re interested in following my journey it will cover a whole host of things, but I think primarily you’ll find they fall under pregnancy, parenting, witchcraft, health/mental health, crochet & weaving and food.

Good News/Bad News on the Health Front

Some days I feel like I absolutely can’t win.

A week ago I had a massive blood screening done in the name of seeing what we could find out about my health. The hope was we could find something that may indicate the cause of the pain my hands are in.

So the bad news: Nada. Absolutely nothing to indicate there is any underlying cause for the pain my hands are in.

But, the good news: I am disgustingly, revoltingly, stupidly healthy according to my blood work. Everything except my PCO marker is exactly where it should be, and I was diagnosed with PCO/S years ago so that’s a known entity.

This includes:

  • General vitamin/mineral stuff (Vitamin D is back to normal – whoop)
  • Cholesterol
  • Blood sugar (we have a family history of diabetes so this is always a good thing)
  • The various markers that would indicate rheumatoid arthritis development
  • Inflammation markers
  • All forms of immunology markers including antibody levels (for the first time in a decade!)
  • Blood cell counts
  • Thyroid
  • Tumor markers

I am absolutely, disgustingly, perfectly healthy.

Next step is more x-rays of my hands and also some ultrasounds of them so see if there’s any tissue damage or cystic growths impinging on the nerves.

Which comes to my second bit of good news: New doctor is fucking amazing. Seriously.

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bustygirlcomics.com

I have been told by doctors before that my weight is a concern when seeing them for everything from a fucking chest infection to back pain that I’ve had since I was a skinny kid of, like, 15. I’ve always had breasts that were large for my proportions and it causes back strain. You try carrying several kilos of weight on your chest all day everyday.

This doctor mentioned that I was carrying a bit of weight around my stomach and I needed to watch that, as with the PCOS I will have a hard time losing it. She was actually surprised when I admitted that I am my current weight (and insisted on checking it on her scales) and then, instead of just telling me to lose it and sending me on my way, she sat down and went through why it was an issue and what help she could give me. She listened when I told her about the struggles I have been having with it and what I had already tried. She gave me a referral to a nutritionist and dietician so I had some qualified support. She explained the difference in what level of exercise a normal person needs and what someone with PCOS needs to have the same effect due to metabolism issues PCOS causes.

In other words she wasn’t an asshole about it and, instead of wanting to punch her in the face, I left feeling apprehensive but actually like I have a chance in hell of working through this.

So yeah, health update: All is technically awesome, but we still don’t know why I’m in pain 24/7

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