I don’t like doing resolutions. The energy on new year’s eve is too chaotic and drunken. It isn’t a good night for resolving to do things. So I’ve been considering what’s coming in 2020 for a while really and it isn’t going to be anything special.

My goals for 2020 in short are:

Self Care – The real kind, not the fun kind.
In 2020 I aim to do the things that support my wellbeing and continued growth as a parent, artist, creator and person.

I’ve has a rough year this year, physically and mentally, but I’m ending in a much improved place and my goals for this year, in line with the above, look much like last years:

  • Be a great mum – no more needs to be said. I have a bright, curious, little bug who will be 2 in a few weeks. We’re doing great. We will keep doing great.
  • Continue working on my health
    • Continue gradually improving my mental health with the support of my care team, gradually improving eating and self care that support it.
    • I’ve lost a little weight in the last few months by making small changes to my diet and I will continue that work. Slow, steady and sustainable.
    • Get moving a bit more. I started a little dancing this past few months and want to go back to classes and take up yoga again.
  • One goal I did hit in 2019 is FINALLY getting started on my weaving… and I enjoy it a lot so in 2020 I want to try making actual stuff, not just playing round.
  • I finished one of the 5 projects I was working on in 2018 that I put down as goals for this year so in 2020 I’m going to try and finish one more… Don’t hold your breath for this achievement.

Once again this post is necessary to read and reread over and over.

The beginning of the love affair…

2019 in Review

So 2019 happened…

I didn’t blog much. There wasn’t much to say really.

I spent the first three quarters of the year wrangling my mental health. With the help of a holistic psychiatrist I improved my nutrient intake and dropped my medications. The final step down didn’t go well so I’m on a new medication that is working really well and continuing to work on the elements of diet and lifestyle that support my mental health.

My physical health has gradually improved. The germs that Rabbit brings home from daycare means that I’ve been sick a lot but it’s gradually improving. My Beloved on the other hand got pneumonia and landed their ass in hospital with an abscess is their lung. They’re ok now but they’ve lost about 10% of their lung capacity on one side.

I am continuing work for the little events company I’ve been with for the last year and am loving it more everyday. I will be incredibly sad when it comes to an end.

My beloved was made redundant in August. They are now working as a consultant and have an ongoing position lined up for next year. I am so incredibly proud of how they handled the redundancy so soon after being sick, and so very happy for them with the positions they’ve found. They are doing so well.

Rabbit grows at an insane rate. She’s bright, cheerful, inquisitive and fearless. Everything a shortly-to-be-two year old should be. Her big sisters are amazing, as always.

My disappointments for the year are few.

I didn’t make as much art as I’d like, but I did make art.
I didn’t read enough, but I did read.
I didn’t socialise enough, but my health is improving so it balances out.

Overall this year has been brutal but rewarding.

Oops I did it again…

Jan 1 roles around after a truly lovely New Year’s Eve with family and friends aaaaaand…

I wake up with a cold, and an additional resolution to add to my things for this year:

I will practice the art of only doing as much as my body and mind are actually capable of!

Seriously, every time I push myself I get sick again so I have got to learn to do this. For now though, tea.

2019, here we come

I thought I’d written this but apparently I accidentally deleted it.

So I did a redux, but I didn’t add a few very important things to it.

As 2018 closes I want to say thank you. Thank you to Nicole Field for her never ending patience with my cancelling of catch ups. Thank you to Amanda for her encouragement, advice and parenting support. Thank you to Morgan for persisting with our friendship despite how damned hard I make it.

And huge, epic, gratitude to my partner, my in-laws, my mum and partner, and my gorgeous step-daughters for the support, the love, the meals, the patience, the babysitting, the help cleaning house, and the acceptance of where I’m at right now.

It’s been a a fucking hard year. So next year my goals are small-ish.

  • Get Rabbit to things that involve other young children every week.
    • So far we’ve got Gymbaroo setup and I’m aiming for one or two playgroup gatherings. Someone mentioned Ceres also run a music thing for littles so I’ll look that up.
  • Finish my multitude of started projects. Off the top of my head I have:
    • Blue Blanket
    • Big Blanket
    • Rabbit’s blanket
    • Sal’s present
    • Fetch related things
  • Try intuitive painting and learn to weave.
  • Continue working on my health.
    • This one is a struggle. I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point and it is making it so hard to look after myself. I’ve been self-sabotaging all over the shop, but I’ve done some good things. I have followed my psych’s intructions and I have ordered some pre-made meals so I actually eat real food.
    • I still need to work on exercise.
  • Witchcraft, because always witchcraft.

It’s been such a hard year for me that I am trying not to over commit myself with anything for 2019. My health and Rabbit are the priorities. Creative bits come after that, but as they tend to help my sanity I will try to work on something every day.

That’s it. The motto of the year is “Baby steps are better than no steps”.

Also this is going to be read, re-read and re-read until I get it through my thick skull.

One of those projects to work on.

2018 Redux

Christ, what a year it’s been. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. 

I was diagnosed with:

  • carpel tunnel
  • osteoarthritis in both knees
  • thorasic opening syndrome 
  • glandular fever
  • 3 chest infections
  • 2 sinus infections 
  • Something wrong with liver function (yesterday)

My mental health has gone from ok to bad to worse with some occasional upswings that then became big drops. My meds have doubled in under 12 months to try and keep up and are failing to do so. Which has been really tough with a baby in the house. 

My health has cost me a contract I was loving, and caused me to – temporarily – drop university until I’m doing better. I’ve been an absolute flake on social matters and just over all struggled to get out with a few exceptions. I also never made it to bellydance which makes me incredibly sad.

My Beloved has had a rough year himself so we’re both worn out and tetchy at this point, but doing our best to hold ourselves together and support each other. 

And then the cat got sick and, fuck me, that was a terrifying 24 hours.

But, with the bad comes the things that hold us here. Starting with the biggest thing of the year – giving birth in January. She’s the light of my life, and literally has kept me alive this year. 

Image of my infant daughter when she was only a week old. She's tiny and wrapped in a white muslin swaddle with monsters on it.

Rabbit

This little darling has gone from strength to strength. Watching a child grow is fascinating, watching them learn is delightful and there is nothing more beautiful in the world than your own child. 

And she went from this too…

This! 

Almost 11 months old, crawling, standing, trying to walk (she can with support from someone bigger) and feeding herself reasonably well. She’s a brave explorer of the world – yesterday she climbed down the stairs at home for the first time. She likes to dance and garden. She thinks water is the best and  bath time is AWESOME. She loves people especially her big sisters, Nanny L and Poppy, and absolutely adores Daddy. 

My gorgeous parents-in-law have been amazing with her and helping us out as we try to hold our sanity and heath together. I really couldn’t have survived the past 2 months without them.

The twins graduated and turned 18! It was a pretty rough ride for both of them, but they made it work and we are so incredibly proud of both of them. J is moving out of home shortly and M has job interviews lined up, both are waiting on their final results and university offers. 

My Mum got engaged! I am so happy for her and looking forward to the wedding. 

My lovely friend Miss A started her own dance business – APB Dance

My dear friend Nik has been like a second Mum to Rabbit through the year and a huge support to me. 

I started painting again. 

And most importantly I finally said enough is enough with my mental health an dasked for a referral to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist I’m seeing was recommended by my psychologist and has a holistic practice where he is working with me to address the underlying physiological issues to my depression so that A) my meds can work, and B) we can hopefully lower my medication dosage or maybe get me off them entirely. 

So that’s where I’m signing off. It’s been a hard, emotionally taxing, and sleep deprived year, but as always we sign off hoping for better in the New Year. 


Sleep In!!

I got to sleep to 6:30am this morning. Rabbit usually wakes at 5:30am so this was awesome! I feel good. I’ve done housework I’ve been putting off for a couple of days even and it’s only 10am.

So, Rabbit is 3 weeks today. In the past 3 weeks I have learnt something important: Babies are a fuckton of work and I can’t do all the things I want to. I need to nap at least once a day with her in order to be functional for her 12-1am feed and she needs a lot of my time with feeds, nappy changes and playing. We’ve resolved one problem by putting together her big cot in the loungeroom so she can play and nap out here with me during the day.

Photo of my 3 week old daughter, nicknamed Rabbit, sleeping on a colourful play mat.
Rabbit seems to like her play mat in the cot set up. She plays and naps while I do chores.

Unfortunately, all that means I’ve had to drop things. The main one is my Hekate course. I can pick it up in the next cycle of it so it’s not a drama, but I’m a bit sad. I simply can’t keep up with it right now and I definitely won’t be able to catch up and keep up with it when uni starts back at the end of Feb.

With that said, there is some good news. I’m developing a nice routine with the little one and that means I’m doing ok with my self-care. My mental health is holding up surprisingly well, and I’m physically doing pretty damned well. My shoulders are killing me, but I’ll sort out a massage to right that soon. The girls are back at school so I have a bit of quiet and calm at home during the week now, after several months of someone always being here. Also Kovu the Dog has chilled the fuck out and is back to behaving himself for the most part. Still working on the barking but it’s getting better.

My Mate is away for work for 10 days and I’m missing him like blazes. However, I’m managing the home stuff and I’m upright. I’m also super proud of him. He knows why I am.

There’s been very little creative stuff this last 2 weeks, but I’ve continued on Rabbit’s blanket and am about to start a little gift for a friend’s baby which is due in a few weeks.

So that’s me, how are you?

 

New Year’s Wishes to You

Thinking of you all – friends, family and people I’ve never met who read along as well – as my Wolf and I quietly see in the new year together from the couch. 2017 has been equal parts amazingly good and extremely hard for us, and I can’t bring myself to feel sad for seeing in 2018 quietly with the love of my life.

IMG_0639

My wishes for 2018, for all of us…

May our Ancestors, those of the blood and of the heart, and Our Mighty Dead stand with us through the trials that life throws at us, and our spirits soar through the year to come.

May the year to come be one of abundance and laughter, of good times and resolutions to old hurts.

May the powerful who deign to stand above us fall, and the humble who work for the greater good rise. Let us stand with them.

May we create. Create things, create life, create a better world. Let it be a year where kindness rules above all.

May it be a year overflowing with love. God knows we need more of it in this world.

Above all, may it be the year we live as best we may, as authentically as we may, and as honestly as we may. 

With hope, love and faith, 
Bones.

 

2018 New Year Goals

I either go into the new year with a war cry or actual goals. This year coming is a goal year and as usual, I’m well ahead of January in putting them together. I like to actually think these things through and plan them. I’ve gone with 6 goals this year, and I think all are achievable. 1 is kind of an ongoing thing but I think I’ll want the reminder when I look back at this list given how much energy a newborn needs from their parents.

Overall though I have a personal goal, a family goal, a study goal, a creative goal, a super-mundane goal and a magical goal. 6 distinct parts of my life covered ;p

  1. Remember to keep on top of my self-care. I can’t achieve anything else if I’m completely falling over.

  2. Be a good parent to Rabbit. She’s joining us in early January. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out. Pretty straight-forward as far as it goes, but also easier said than done.

  3. Do well at my university studies. Again, rather self-explanatory as far as it goes. I want to achieve good grades. The degree does call for an honours year.

  4. Learn to spin yarn and weave. I have now got two lovely looms. One is a small tabletop rigid heddle and the other a large four heddle loom I was given. I also have a spinning wheel in the garage. I would like to pair this goal with sourcing sustainable, ethically produced, materials and dying methods.

  5. Do something about my wardrobe. It’s over-flowing with things I don’t wear, and clothes that really need replacing despite how much I love them. I own a sewing machine, there’s a charity store nearby and I’ve spent a reasonable amount of time already thinking about how to go from this mess to capsule wardrobe.

  6. Stick with the Hekate work I am doing. Routine is often unfamiliar in my world and it’s time I developed it. 

2017 Redux (Yeah we’re early)

It’s closing on the end of the year and… I’m sick, again.

Off work with lots of time to kill today and I can tell you that with 3 months to go 2017 has been one hell of a ride.

  • Sick – all year. I’ve been constantly sick.
  • Except for that one time when I was pregnant… Ah, that’s kind of ongoing. It’s nice to know I hadn’t suffered through weeks of nausea for nothing though ;p
  • Inflamed medial nerve – hey presto, we know what’s wrong with my hands and how to take care of them.
  • MARRIAGE! I’m married and holy fuck is that a mind trip. Honestly it’s changed nothing and everything all at the same time.

IMG_7364

  • Lipstick – didn’t really become a happening thing. Go back to the sick part. When getting out of bed is a literal nightmare then makeup is the last thing you give a shit about.
  • Reading – thanks to being sick I have actually done a fair bit of this. I have also found some new comics I really like recently.
  • PUPPY! Ok so he’s 8, but we welcomed the beautiful Kovu to the family just after Easter 2017 and the big goof has fitted right in. We have some minor behavioural issues to work on – someone likes to bark at all the passing trucks and cars for several hours of a morning – but overall it’s gone really well. He’s a very polite, but super cheeky boy.

AB41C96A-8749-4CD4-9DF0-19F13383346B

  • Depression has been neither a winning nor losing battle. My meds can’t keep up with current lack of sleep and hormonal changes, but I’ve come a massively long way since I started therapy and I having coping mechanisms in place that I never thought I would.
  • Home continues to go well. We have all the patio areas in and I started staining the plinths for under the last section of fencing to go in. Once we’ve done that we can look at grass and then gardens. It’s been a long slow process with My Wolf’s ongoing travel for work.
  • PREGNANCY! The latest in a long list of things shaking up my world. I’m now 22 weeks pregnant. I have a very normal and healthy baby growing inside me and a great Obstetrician and GP taking care of me. Not to mention all the love and patience from my husband… and god does he need patience, because perpetual exhaustion does not sit well with me, and I am currently the grumpiest human being ever.
  • 1 year at my job… today I think or soon.

 

So yeah, if 2017 could refrain from throwing any more huge things at me that would be fucking awesome. I’d like 2018 to maybe be a little bit calmer? Newborn aside.

2017 – Manifesto

2016 didn’t kill me. 2017 is probably going to try, but whatever…

I don’t have a list of resolutions this year. I’m going back to my original manifesto style stuff…

Surrender, release, grow.

sketchez__100810_by_creature13

Art by Creature XIII

Wait, I do have new year resolutions, I lied to you:

  1. Wear more lipstick!!
  2. Read more books!!

And the song for the year is back to an old favourite.

 

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