Pick one and start

It’s been a hard couple of weeks.

I’m dropping down my antidepressant medication which hasn’t been much drama in the past, but apparently this is no longer the case. I did know the last 2 doses (100mg to 50mg and then 50mg to 0) would be the hardest, but I wasn’t counting on my beloved being away for week 1 and extremely sick and bedridden for week 2.

I feel like crap. I am emotionally either completely checked out or wanting to cry and hide. This is not fun when trying to care for a toddler and a bedridden partner.

I also feel hopeless. I’m meant to be working on improving my health but all I want to do is crawl into a hole. Everything is just way too hard and I keep looking at all the (often conflicting) advice and information I’ve been given over the years and stalling

I’ve also been reading this book: Brief Lessons in Creativity by Tate. I haven’t finished it despite it being tiny which is frustrating, however it has inspired the sanest response to the diet thing I have managed to have.

Just start. Pick a spot, any spot, and start working. So I am. Simple spot to start with: Lactose and Soft drink. Neither get along with my gut so I’m starting with removing them.

I know where I want to be at the end of this. It’s something resembling a Paleo or Keto diet with a tiny bit more carbs involved (I need them evil carbs for serotonin uptake issues that influence my depression), but I can’t just ‘do it’ right now. So I’m starting with one thing that I can, and have previously, managed to do and working on it that way.

Wait… It’s June???? WTF!!!

It’s been hectic as hell.

Since my last post I started work, then we went to Confest, teething begun, Rabbit got sick, I applied to uni, then I got sick, then Daddy got sick, then we all got better, then we all got sick again and now we are right here….

Sick. We’re always sick. Goddamned Kindy

It’s been hectic. Really hectic, and to top it off I’m dropping another dose of my meds. Which brings me down to a quarter of what I was on in January. Today is the first day.

I feel like death.

STAAAAAHP!

Seriously though, can the emotional roller coaster of this year stop already?

Latest massive stressor:

Mao in his blanket nest at the vet office.

The cat-butt stopped eating this week. He’d been a touch off temper for a bit but it just went downhill. 

Turns out our poor boy has joined team Irritable Bowel Disease and had a massively inflamed pancreas and stomach. He’s still at the vets, but we saw him today and he’s looking much better. 

He also has the very early stages of kidney disease, but this isn’t so surprising given that he’s 13 next month. It’s an old man disease I am reliably informed. 

And to top that off I have yet another infection – left side sinus this time, and it hurts like a bitch. Feels like my head has been taken to with a pick-axe. 

Aaaaaand, Rabbit went through a sleep regression over the past fortnight. You want to know what doesn’t help recovery from glandular fever? A baby waking up every fucking hour over night. She’s back to normal sleep now, thankfully. 

So it’s been a rough couple of weeks. On the upside the lovely people I was contracting with have had me back in for a couple of days to fill some gaps. It’s tiring, but good to stay in touch. 

So yeah, fun time. 

Priorities

Depending on what parts of my social media you follow and whether you’ve seen me in the past few weeks you will or won’t know what’s happening or may know bits of it…
 
So as mentioned in the last pot – I got, at the same time, glandular fever, a strain of the flu and a sinus infection. I’m through the worst of it. I can’t breath for shit as the infection is in my upper respitory area and I’m permenantly exhausted as that’s what happens when you get glandular fever, but I’m through the worst of it.
 
I will still need a lot of rest over the next few weeks.
 
Rabbit has been really sick with a nasty chest infection and is stillr recovering. And my beloved Wolf is pretty exhausted, as he has post viral syndrome, because he got glandular fever months ago and worked through it rather than resting.
 
So it’s a pretty exhausted and miserable household right now.
 
In the process of getting all of these I have lost the contract I had. I’m really sad about that, but as a tiny litttle business they needed someone who was well enough to show up. We’ve parted on good terms at least.
 
I also had to drop out of uni this semester as I was incapable of doing the work required.
 
What happens next?
 
I’m going to be very tired for a while. I’ve picked up a theory unit at uni next semester as it will be less work for me, but very little paid work for me for the next little while.
 
But my main focus is nurturing me and the family. Some gentle yoga, better food to build up our immune systems, and reading. Lots of reading. I need to read.
 
Rabbit will be dropped back to 1 day a week at kindy shortly so I’ll be looking to do things with her most the time. If anyone has ideas shout out. She’s not walking yet, but she’s curios about everything. We’re in the northern suburbs of Melbourne, Australia if any mums are local and have thoughts.
 
Once we’re both a lot healthier we’ll be working on finally getting the backyard done. I think the plan is to be laying turf in late Jan/early Feb is anyone is interested in helping out in exchange for food and drink.
 
Uhm, yeah, so this is it. This is where I’m at. I’m exhausted, and a bit sad, and just trying to move forward and take care of myself. My priorities are tight – my family, my health, uni.

Here’s to Tears

I thought I was doing better last week.

I went out, I saw people, I did all the things. I think the actual fact of it was that I was too busy to notice how fucked up I was. This week I’m not, and I have fallen over completely. Crying at the drop of a hat. Feeling guilty about needing time to study. Feeling even worse about taking time to myself to the point that I’m not. If I can’t drop it instantly to deal with family/house/baby I’m avoiding it entirely…

We leave for camping on Wednesday and I’m back to not wanting to go. Afraid I’ll just fuck it up for everyone else.

Here’s to the tears. Another week of surviving. Another round of medication changes. And another week of one foot in front of the other regardless of the brain.

Sleep In!!

I got to sleep to 6:30am this morning. Rabbit usually wakes at 5:30am so this was awesome! I feel good. I’ve done housework I’ve been putting off for a couple of days even and it’s only 10am.

So, Rabbit is 3 weeks today. In the past 3 weeks I have learnt something important: Babies are a fuckton of work and I can’t do all the things I want to. I need to nap at least once a day with her in order to be functional for her 12-1am feed and she needs a lot of my time with feeds, nappy changes and playing. We’ve resolved one problem by putting together her big cot in the loungeroom so she can play and nap out here with me during the day.

Photo of my 3 week old daughter, nicknamed Rabbit, sleeping on a colourful play mat.
Rabbit seems to like her play mat in the cot set up. She plays and naps while I do chores.

Unfortunately, all that means I’ve had to drop things. The main one is my Hekate course. I can pick it up in the next cycle of it so it’s not a drama, but I’m a bit sad. I simply can’t keep up with it right now and I definitely won’t be able to catch up and keep up with it when uni starts back at the end of Feb.

With that said, there is some good news. I’m developing a nice routine with the little one and that means I’m doing ok with my self-care. My mental health is holding up surprisingly well, and I’m physically doing pretty damned well. My shoulders are killing me, but I’ll sort out a massage to right that soon. The girls are back at school so I have a bit of quiet and calm at home during the week now, after several months of someone always being here. Also Kovu the Dog has chilled the fuck out and is back to behaving himself for the most part. Still working on the barking but it’s getting better.

My Mate is away for work for 10 days and I’m missing him like blazes. However, I’m managing the home stuff and I’m upright. I’m also super proud of him. He knows why I am.

There’s been very little creative stuff this last 2 weeks, but I’ve continued on Rabbit’s blanket and am about to start a little gift for a friend’s baby which is due in a few weeks.

So that’s me, how are you?

 

Pregnancy Recovery

Pregnancy recovery is a slow process. Very slow and tedious, and frustrating on top of that. I’m getting into a routine with Rabbit that means I get enough sleep, I’m showering daily which is very nice and so far my stitches appear to be healing well. Next step is exercise…

A photo of my very large, goofy German Shepherd with his tongue hanging out one side of his mouth and his favorite ball out the other.
This big goof came to us last year as an 8 year old rescue with severe anxiety issues. 

Yesterday we took Rabbit and Kovu the Dog, our giant German Shepherd, for a walk at the same time. By the end of it, I was in tears. Kovu just would not behave for me and was dragging on the lead which was not ok for me. By the time I got back to the house I was frustrated, in pain and cried all over My Mate.

Tonight I took him again. I was worried I’d have a repeat of yesterday, but apparently, that was the presence of Rabbit and My Mate causing the issues. Tonight he happily walked at heel for the entire, very short, walk.

He’s still very anxious around Rabbit and tends to freak out and start ignoring commands. I’m getting a dog trainer out to help me deal with this soon as it can’t be happening while My Mate is in the USA late this month.

 

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