Pick one and start

It’s been a hard couple of weeks.

I’m dropping down my antidepressant medication which hasn’t been much drama in the past, but apparently this is no longer the case. I did know the last 2 doses (100mg to 50mg and then 50mg to 0) would be the hardest, but I wasn’t counting on my beloved being away for week 1 and extremely sick and bedridden for week 2.

I feel like crap. I am emotionally either completely checked out or wanting to cry and hide. This is not fun when trying to care for a toddler and a bedridden partner.

I also feel hopeless. I’m meant to be working on improving my health but all I want to do is crawl into a hole. Everything is just way too hard and I keep looking at all the (often conflicting) advice and information I’ve been given over the years and stalling

I’ve also been reading this book: Brief Lessons in Creativity by Tate. I haven’t finished it despite it being tiny which is frustrating, however it has inspired the sanest response to the diet thing I have managed to have.

Just start. Pick a spot, any spot, and start working. So I am. Simple spot to start with: Lactose and Soft drink. Neither get along with my gut so I’m starting with removing them.

I know where I want to be at the end of this. It’s something resembling a Paleo or Keto diet with a tiny bit more carbs involved (I need them evil carbs for serotonin uptake issues that influence my depression), but I can’t just ‘do it’ right now. So I’m starting with one thing that I can, and have previously, managed to do and working on it that way.

Changes Realised

I have spent most of today crying.

I cried because I couldn’t get the dog to calm down. I cried because I hadn’t gotten the kitchen fully cleaned. I cried because a layer of dust had settled over the couch again after I spent half an hour cleaning it last night thanks to the high winds today. I cried because I hadn’t cleaned our bedroom. I cried because I almost blew up the vacuum just before I finished vacuuming. I cried because the dining room table hadn’t been done (and it won’t be tonight).

I have felt like a complete failure from beginning to end.

Somewhere in there I realised that, as terrible as today has been for me emotionally, over all I cry a lot less these days. The support of my loving mate, the medication and doctors, and the encouragement of friends and family, have pulled me out of the black hole I used to live in everyday.

A few minutes ago I came to another realisation. The reason being so truly overwhelmed really, really, REALLY sucks so much worse than it used to is because it is now so rare. It’s not something I live with on a day to day basis…

And that’s nice.

And now I’m gonna eat my ice cream, clean my dinner dishes and go to bed, because today has truly sucked.

Blah

Sometimes I feel like an utter failure. 

Sometimes I feel I am my own worst enemy.

Sometimes I hate myself…

I’d go so far to say that sometimes I loathe myself. 

Today is one of those sometimes.  

If I kick my brain repeatedly it’ll, briefly, admit that what I hate is my tendency to self sabotage, inability to carry through, and ongoing stress eating. 

I’ve gained back everything I lost last year. Probably a bit more really. I hate what I see in the mirror yet somehow manage to live in apathy instead of fixing it. It can reduce me to tears, but actually doing something about it is wayyyyyy harder than being depressed about it…

Wait, I think that’s my depression talking. Well, it’s probably all my depression talking at the end of the day, but today is just the day I rant about it online. 
Anyway, point is, I’m tired, cranky, shitty, and feeling crap about myself and towards myself. 

A Lucky Little Depressive

 

holding_on_by_a_thread_by_epiphany
Holding on by a Thread – Epiphany

I’m not doing well at the moment, and neither is one of my friends. It got me thinking on things and that lead to the realisation that I am so insanely lucky to have The Wild One. And yes, everyone should say that about their significant other, but hear me out.

I live a lot closer to the skin now than I ever have. I make a point about talking about my struggle with my mental and physical health as I believe that this is important to lowering the stigma surrounding such things, but at the same time…

No one really sees the depths of it. Even my nearest and dearest only really see a very curated version of what’s happening. It’s not a deliberate thing, I don’t believe in hiding away from the world, but I’ve never been truly good at explaining what’s going on in my head and I am cautious about over sharing. Significantly, I actually don’t like to complain too much. I’m usually a very positive person, despite everything, and I just don’t.

At the end of the day the only one who really sees how difficult this has been, and continues to be, is The Wild One. They’re not in my head, the don’t necessarily understand it, but they’ve always seen me as exactly who I was and I’ve never really been able to hide anything from them…

And that makes me insanely lucky. I’m not alone in this. The Wild One is here, holding my hands, and telling me that I am loved and safe when I feel anything but loveable or safe. They make can’t fix it, but they are my touchstone to reality when I don’t have the ability to make the links myself, and they never quit out on me.

That’s a gift.

I don’t know what I’m going to do about this current resurge in my mental illness, but at least I know I’m not going it alone.

 

A depressing lack of agency

So I’m back on meds. It sucks, new prescription means new side effects.

I. Am. So. Fucking. EXHAUSTED!

Like no shit, come home and go to sleep if I allow myself/am able to lie down most days since I started. Otherwise it goes well.

I talked to my psych about it briefly, and about how stressed the idea of permanently being on them made me. She was asking why I was afraid of it, and I couldn’t answer because the question didn’t seem right.

I finally figured it out the other day.

I’m not afraid of being on the drugs for life, that’s not it. What eats me is the lack of agency. I can’t do this without them. I can’t function without them. I don’t have a choice. I hate that. The idea that I have to be on them… that I might always have to be them makes me internally scream.

No choice. No agency. No other options.

It’s not about fear at all.

Ugh

I’m over everything.

I’m ok with life – home is good, work is good, study goes well. My foot is feeling better and the pains in my knees, hips and back are better too.

I’m not ok with life – if i had any idea how much coming off my antidepressants was going to suck I probably would never have tried. This sucks. Sucks balls. I am so anxious, and just when I got to the point of not anxious something new came up. I’m holding massive amounts of tension through my upper back so it hurts badly.

I’m avoiding social media for the most part. The lack of compassion and empathy people show for each other is not making me happy. Big secret that really shouldn’t be a secret to anyone – I’m a a huge softy with a lot more patience than I let on.

I care. I care that people, even complete strangers, are ok.

I just don’t have it in me to deal with the shit that’s been going down lately though. It makes me want to cry.

So I’m writing an essay on blogging and knowledge production. Drinking tea. Listening to Duran Duran because reasons.

Kind of wish I lived closer to people so I could have company easily for such things.

Happy

I’m happy with life as it stands.

Sure, I’d like employment sometime real soon, and I’d like to be done with this food testing stuff (and the invariable days of feeling like someone has repeatedly kicked me in the guts), but over all things are good.

I have a loving, wonderful, supportive, and charming partner. 2 awesome young ladies I get to refer to as my kids whilst marvelling and how intelligent, driven and skilled they are. And incredible, amazing, talented and inspiring friends (and a super fluffy cat). I have no fear that I won’t be able to pay my bills, or rent… well mortgage as it is now. And when I need things I can afford to go buy them.

It’s weird and new for me. I wish, more than anything, that all my friends and family will find their way to their version of this. They deserve it.

Relief

I’ve been holding a lot of stress in lately.

It started with the doctors appointment. Previous doctors have been unreceptive to the list of symptoms, going so far as to tell me that if I want to get better then I just have to lose weight or that I’m making shit up to get medications. So I went in STRESSED, and I think I only really started to let it go today.

The doctor was actually great. She listened to me, went over the family history, made sure I got my flu shot before I left, and referred me to a physio and dietician after making sure that I had support for my mental health still.

The physio is ok. Reassuring in some ways, but I get the impression he doesn’t quite believe me when I say it all hurts. At the end of the day though he’s only looking after the acute pain in my back, and the exercises he’s given me are doing so much to help that I have zero complaints.

But the dietician… I adore her already. She was wonderful. Went over my full health history, made some suggestions of things to chat to my doctor about in regards to possible causes for current issues, and walked me through the process we’re going to take for the time being. I have her email and assurance that it will be no bother if I email her to clarify or check anything. Mostly, though, I think the best thing was having someone tell me to stop worrying about my weight. Just to stop, that tending to my diet and digestive problems, working on lowering my pain levels, and improving my sleep will take care of that so just stop worrying about.

I almost cried then and there. The sheer relief of having someone else say it after being constantly bombarded with ‘lose weight, there is nothing wrong with you’ was overwhelming.

It’ll be a while till everything has been ticked off the list of possible causes and an actual cause located, but in the meantime I feel really supported by the team of medical professionals I’m dealing with, and finally like I’m a bit more in control of what’s going on.

That said I give it 24 hours till I’m swearing blue-murder about being back on the full fodmap diet. 

I’ve lost count of how many blood tests I’ve had in the past two years. I’m sure there’s something wrong with that…

 

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