I don’t like doing resolutions. The energy on new year’s eve is too chaotic and drunken. It isn’t a good night for resolving to do things. So I’ve been considering what’s coming in 2020 for a while really and it isn’t going to be anything special.

My goals for 2020 in short are:

Self Care – The real kind, not the fun kind.
In 2020 I aim to do the things that support my wellbeing and continued growth as a parent, artist, creator and person.

I’ve has a rough year this year, physically and mentally, but I’m ending in a much improved place and my goals for this year, in line with the above, look much like last years:

  • Be a great mum – no more needs to be said. I have a bright, curious, little bug who will be 2 in a few weeks. We’re doing great. We will keep doing great.
  • Continue working on my health
    • Continue gradually improving my mental health with the support of my care team, gradually improving eating and self care that support it.
    • I’ve lost a little weight in the last few months by making small changes to my diet and I will continue that work. Slow, steady and sustainable.
    • Get moving a bit more. I started a little dancing this past few months and want to go back to classes and take up yoga again.
  • One goal I did hit in 2019 is FINALLY getting started on my weaving… and I enjoy it a lot so in 2020 I want to try making actual stuff, not just playing round.
  • I finished one of the 5 projects I was working on in 2018 that I put down as goals for this year so in 2020 I’m going to try and finish one more… Don’t hold your breath for this achievement.

Once again this post is necessary to read and reread over and over.

The beginning of the love affair…

2019 in Review

So 2019 happened…

I didn’t blog much. There wasn’t much to say really.

I spent the first three quarters of the year wrangling my mental health. With the help of a holistic psychiatrist I improved my nutrient intake and dropped my medications. The final step down didn’t go well so I’m on a new medication that is working really well and continuing to work on the elements of diet and lifestyle that support my mental health.

My physical health has gradually improved. The germs that Rabbit brings home from daycare means that I’ve been sick a lot but it’s gradually improving. My Beloved on the other hand got pneumonia and landed their ass in hospital with an abscess is their lung. They’re ok now but they’ve lost about 10% of their lung capacity on one side.

I am continuing work for the little events company I’ve been with for the last year and am loving it more everyday. I will be incredibly sad when it comes to an end.

My beloved was made redundant in August. They are now working as a consultant and have an ongoing position lined up for next year. I am so incredibly proud of how they handled the redundancy so soon after being sick, and so very happy for them with the positions they’ve found. They are doing so well.

Rabbit grows at an insane rate. She’s bright, cheerful, inquisitive and fearless. Everything a shortly-to-be-two year old should be. Her big sisters are amazing, as always.

My disappointments for the year are few.

I didn’t make as much art as I’d like, but I did make art.
I didn’t read enough, but I did read.
I didn’t socialise enough, but my health is improving so it balances out.

Overall this year has been brutal but rewarding.

A Little Happy

Nothing huge or exciting here, just a small win.

I’ve been contracting with an awesome business for the past while and I’ve been asked to stay on a potential 12 more months working alongside the admin I’ve been covering maternity leave for as she’d like to go part-time for a while so she’s not away from her Little too much.

I am absolutely down for that.

Secondary win. They are chill about me needing time off when it’s time to finally go off my meds. They’ve been hugely supportive actually. It’s nice.

Pick one and start

It’s been a hard couple of weeks.

I’m dropping down my antidepressant medication which hasn’t been much drama in the past, but apparently this is no longer the case. I did know the last 2 doses (100mg to 50mg and then 50mg to 0) would be the hardest, but I wasn’t counting on my beloved being away for week 1 and extremely sick and bedridden for week 2.

I feel like crap. I am emotionally either completely checked out or wanting to cry and hide. This is not fun when trying to care for a toddler and a bedridden partner.

I also feel hopeless. I’m meant to be working on improving my health but all I want to do is crawl into a hole. Everything is just way too hard and I keep looking at all the (often conflicting) advice and information I’ve been given over the years and stalling

I’ve also been reading this book: Brief Lessons in Creativity by Tate. I haven’t finished it despite it being tiny which is frustrating, however it has inspired the sanest response to the diet thing I have managed to have.

Just start. Pick a spot, any spot, and start working. So I am. Simple spot to start with: Lactose and Soft drink. Neither get along with my gut so I’m starting with removing them.

I know where I want to be at the end of this. It’s something resembling a Paleo or Keto diet with a tiny bit more carbs involved (I need them evil carbs for serotonin uptake issues that influence my depression), but I can’t just ‘do it’ right now. So I’m starting with one thing that I can, and have previously, managed to do and working on it that way.

Wait… It’s June???? WTF!!!

It’s been hectic as hell.

Since my last post I started work, then we went to Confest, teething begun, Rabbit got sick, I applied to uni, then I got sick, then Daddy got sick, then we all got better, then we all got sick again and now we are right here….

Sick. We’re always sick. Goddamned Kindy

It’s been hectic. Really hectic, and to top it off I’m dropping another dose of my meds. Which brings me down to a quarter of what I was on in January. Today is the first day.

I feel like death.

Oops I did it again…

Jan 1 roles around after a truly lovely New Year’s Eve with family and friends aaaaaand…

I wake up with a cold, and an additional resolution to add to my things for this year:

I will practice the art of only doing as much as my body and mind are actually capable of!

Seriously, every time I push myself I get sick again so I have got to learn to do this. For now though, tea.

2019, here we come

I thought I’d written this but apparently I accidentally deleted it.

So I did a redux, but I didn’t add a few very important things to it.

As 2018 closes I want to say thank you. Thank you to Nicole Field for her never ending patience with my cancelling of catch ups. Thank you to Amanda for her encouragement, advice and parenting support. Thank you to Morgan for persisting with our friendship despite how damned hard I make it.

And huge, epic, gratitude to my partner, my in-laws, my mum and partner, and my gorgeous step-daughters for the support, the love, the meals, the patience, the babysitting, the help cleaning house, and the acceptance of where I’m at right now.

It’s been a a fucking hard year. So next year my goals are small-ish.

  • Get Rabbit to things that involve other young children every week.
    • So far we’ve got Gymbaroo setup and I’m aiming for one or two playgroup gatherings. Someone mentioned Ceres also run a music thing for littles so I’ll look that up.
  • Finish my multitude of started projects. Off the top of my head I have:
    • Blue Blanket
    • Big Blanket
    • Rabbit’s blanket
    • Sal’s present
    • Fetch related things
  • Try intuitive painting and learn to weave.
  • Continue working on my health.
    • This one is a struggle. I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point and it is making it so hard to look after myself. I’ve been self-sabotaging all over the shop, but I’ve done some good things. I have followed my psych’s intructions and I have ordered some pre-made meals so I actually eat real food.
    • I still need to work on exercise.
  • Witchcraft, because always witchcraft.

It’s been such a hard year for me that I am trying not to over commit myself with anything for 2019. My health and Rabbit are the priorities. Creative bits come after that, but as they tend to help my sanity I will try to work on something every day.

That’s it. The motto of the year is “Baby steps are better than no steps”.

Also this is going to be read, re-read and re-read until I get it through my thick skull.

One of those projects to work on.

2018 Redux

Christ, what a year it’s been. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. 

I was diagnosed with:

  • carpel tunnel
  • osteoarthritis in both knees
  • thorasic opening syndrome 
  • glandular fever
  • 3 chest infections
  • 2 sinus infections 
  • Something wrong with liver function (yesterday)

My mental health has gone from ok to bad to worse with some occasional upswings that then became big drops. My meds have doubled in under 12 months to try and keep up and are failing to do so. Which has been really tough with a baby in the house. 

My health has cost me a contract I was loving, and caused me to – temporarily – drop university until I’m doing better. I’ve been an absolute flake on social matters and just over all struggled to get out with a few exceptions. I also never made it to bellydance which makes me incredibly sad.

My Beloved has had a rough year himself so we’re both worn out and tetchy at this point, but doing our best to hold ourselves together and support each other. 

And then the cat got sick and, fuck me, that was a terrifying 24 hours.

But, with the bad comes the things that hold us here. Starting with the biggest thing of the year – giving birth in January. She’s the light of my life, and literally has kept me alive this year. 

Image of my infant daughter when she was only a week old. She's tiny and wrapped in a white muslin swaddle with monsters on it.

Rabbit

This little darling has gone from strength to strength. Watching a child grow is fascinating, watching them learn is delightful and there is nothing more beautiful in the world than your own child. 

And she went from this too…

This! 

Almost 11 months old, crawling, standing, trying to walk (she can with support from someone bigger) and feeding herself reasonably well. She’s a brave explorer of the world – yesterday she climbed down the stairs at home for the first time. She likes to dance and garden. She thinks water is the best and  bath time is AWESOME. She loves people especially her big sisters, Nanny L and Poppy, and absolutely adores Daddy. 

My gorgeous parents-in-law have been amazing with her and helping us out as we try to hold our sanity and heath together. I really couldn’t have survived the past 2 months without them.

The twins graduated and turned 18! It was a pretty rough ride for both of them, but they made it work and we are so incredibly proud of both of them. J is moving out of home shortly and M has job interviews lined up, both are waiting on their final results and university offers. 

My Mum got engaged! I am so happy for her and looking forward to the wedding. 

My lovely friend Miss A started her own dance business – APB Dance

My dear friend Nik has been like a second Mum to Rabbit through the year and a huge support to me. 

I started painting again. 

And most importantly I finally said enough is enough with my mental health an dasked for a referral to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist I’m seeing was recommended by my psychologist and has a holistic practice where he is working with me to address the underlying physiological issues to my depression so that A) my meds can work, and B) we can hopefully lower my medication dosage or maybe get me off them entirely. 

So that’s where I’m signing off. It’s been a hard, emotionally taxing, and sleep deprived year, but as always we sign off hoping for better in the New Year. 


STAAAAAHP!

Seriously though, can the emotional roller coaster of this year stop already?

Latest massive stressor:

Mao in his blanket nest at the vet office.

The cat-butt stopped eating this week. He’d been a touch off temper for a bit but it just went downhill. 

Turns out our poor boy has joined team Irritable Bowel Disease and had a massively inflamed pancreas and stomach. He’s still at the vets, but we saw him today and he’s looking much better. 

He also has the very early stages of kidney disease, but this isn’t so surprising given that he’s 13 next month. It’s an old man disease I am reliably informed. 

And to top that off I have yet another infection – left side sinus this time, and it hurts like a bitch. Feels like my head has been taken to with a pick-axe. 

Aaaaaand, Rabbit went through a sleep regression over the past fortnight. You want to know what doesn’t help recovery from glandular fever? A baby waking up every fucking hour over night. She’s back to normal sleep now, thankfully. 

So it’s been a rough couple of weeks. On the upside the lovely people I was contracting with have had me back in for a couple of days to fill some gaps. It’s tiring, but good to stay in touch. 

So yeah, fun time. 

Priorities

Depending on what parts of my social media you follow and whether you’ve seen me in the past few weeks you will or won’t know what’s happening or may know bits of it…
 
So as mentioned in the last pot – I got, at the same time, glandular fever, a strain of the flu and a sinus infection. I’m through the worst of it. I can’t breath for shit as the infection is in my upper respitory area and I’m permenantly exhausted as that’s what happens when you get glandular fever, but I’m through the worst of it.
 
I will still need a lot of rest over the next few weeks.
 
Rabbit has been really sick with a nasty chest infection and is stillr recovering. And my beloved Wolf is pretty exhausted, as he has post viral syndrome, because he got glandular fever months ago and worked through it rather than resting.
 
So it’s a pretty exhausted and miserable household right now.
 
In the process of getting all of these I have lost the contract I had. I’m really sad about that, but as a tiny litttle business they needed someone who was well enough to show up. We’ve parted on good terms at least.
 
I also had to drop out of uni this semester as I was incapable of doing the work required.
 
What happens next?
 
I’m going to be very tired for a while. I’ve picked up a theory unit at uni next semester as it will be less work for me, but very little paid work for me for the next little while.
 
But my main focus is nurturing me and the family. Some gentle yoga, better food to build up our immune systems, and reading. Lots of reading. I need to read.
 
Rabbit will be dropped back to 1 day a week at kindy shortly so I’ll be looking to do things with her most the time. If anyone has ideas shout out. She’s not walking yet, but she’s curios about everything. We’re in the northern suburbs of Melbourne, Australia if any mums are local and have thoughts.
 
Once we’re both a lot healthier we’ll be working on finally getting the backyard done. I think the plan is to be laying turf in late Jan/early Feb is anyone is interested in helping out in exchange for food and drink.
 
Uhm, yeah, so this is it. This is where I’m at. I’m exhausted, and a bit sad, and just trying to move forward and take care of myself. My priorities are tight – my family, my health, uni.

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