A Little Happy

Nothing huge or exciting here, just a small win.

I’ve been contracting with an awesome business for the past while and I’ve been asked to stay on a potential 12 more months working alongside the admin I’ve been covering maternity leave for as she’d like to go part-time for a while so she’s not away from her Little too much.

I am absolutely down for that.

Secondary win. They are chill about me needing time off when it’s time to finally go off my meds. They’ve been hugely supportive actually. It’s nice.

Priorities

Depending on what parts of my social media you follow and whether you’ve seen me in the past few weeks you will or won’t know what’s happening or may know bits of it…
 
So as mentioned in the last pot – I got, at the same time, glandular fever, a strain of the flu and a sinus infection. I’m through the worst of it. I can’t breath for shit as the infection is in my upper respitory area and I’m permenantly exhausted as that’s what happens when you get glandular fever, but I’m through the worst of it.
 
I will still need a lot of rest over the next few weeks.
 
Rabbit has been really sick with a nasty chest infection and is stillr recovering. And my beloved Wolf is pretty exhausted, as he has post viral syndrome, because he got glandular fever months ago and worked through it rather than resting.
 
So it’s a pretty exhausted and miserable household right now.
 
In the process of getting all of these I have lost the contract I had. I’m really sad about that, but as a tiny litttle business they needed someone who was well enough to show up. We’ve parted on good terms at least.
 
I also had to drop out of uni this semester as I was incapable of doing the work required.
 
What happens next?
 
I’m going to be very tired for a while. I’ve picked up a theory unit at uni next semester as it will be less work for me, but very little paid work for me for the next little while.
 
But my main focus is nurturing me and the family. Some gentle yoga, better food to build up our immune systems, and reading. Lots of reading. I need to read.
 
Rabbit will be dropped back to 1 day a week at kindy shortly so I’ll be looking to do things with her most the time. If anyone has ideas shout out. She’s not walking yet, but she’s curios about everything. We’re in the northern suburbs of Melbourne, Australia if any mums are local and have thoughts.
 
Once we’re both a lot healthier we’ll be working on finally getting the backyard done. I think the plan is to be laying turf in late Jan/early Feb is anyone is interested in helping out in exchange for food and drink.
 
Uhm, yeah, so this is it. This is where I’m at. I’m exhausted, and a bit sad, and just trying to move forward and take care of myself. My priorities are tight – my family, my health, uni.

On the Up and Up.

Well, things aren’t bad. In fact, they’re on the up.

Moods have slowly improved as the medication changes have settled, soul-searching and digging continues at a steady pace. I got to take my mum out for dinner for an early mother’s day gift, The Wolf and I are doing fantastic and our teens are, as ever, awesome.

And then there’s this cutey:

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And then there’s the sleep dep which is making me want to curl up and cry right now. Can’t win them all I guess.

Spring has come!!

Finally, the weather is warm enough that I don’t need a jumper and we can have the back door open. It’s gorgeous today, a bit windy up here, but absolutely gorgeous and it is making me feel better about life at large. 


Look at that sun, the wind means the big doors remain closed, but looks at that SUN!

Fuck This Shit

It’s 8am, my head hurts and I’m a level of exhausted reserved for those both pregnant and sick at the same time. 

Outside the sun is shining, the air looks relatively warm, and I should want to garden or something. Instead I would like to go back to bed, because I had to get up at 6am to let the dog out of the garage to go to the toilet.

There was a 16 year old standing in the kitchen listening to him bark and whine to be let out, but apparently it’s too fucking hard for a kid of that age to walk across the room, let the cat into my room, and then let the dog out. So I got up and dealt with it. 

So I’m sick. I’m exhausted. And I’ve been up for 2 hours.

Let’s call this ‘training for motherhood’ rather than ‘seeing how far I can be pushed before I lose my shit entirely’. 

Hmmmm

I spend a lot more time online these days than I’m really comfortable with.

It’s definitely a habit more than a necessity, one born of years of depression, anxiety and the fatigue that both bought on. For a while online contact was pretty much all I had and now it is habit to just pick up my phone and check Facebook and tumblr…

Tumblr isn’t something I’d think of us too much a loss if it shut down tomorrow, but Facebook… over the years I’ve built up a small network of wonderful international friends. I’d miss them terribly if I didn’t have the contact of Facebook,
There’s no point to this post. Just musing. 

Changes Realised

I have spent most of today crying.

I cried because I couldn’t get the dog to calm down. I cried because I hadn’t gotten the kitchen fully cleaned. I cried because a layer of dust had settled over the couch again after I spent half an hour cleaning it last night thanks to the high winds today. I cried because I hadn’t cleaned our bedroom. I cried because I almost blew up the vacuum just before I finished vacuuming. I cried because the dining room table hadn’t been done (and it won’t be tonight).

I have felt like a complete failure from beginning to end.

Somewhere in there I realised that, as terrible as today has been for me emotionally, over all I cry a lot less these days. The support of my loving mate, the medication and doctors, and the encouragement of friends and family, have pulled me out of the black hole I used to live in everyday.

A few minutes ago I came to another realisation. The reason being so truly overwhelmed really, really, REALLY sucks so much worse than it used to is because it is now so rare. It’s not something I live with on a day to day basis…

And that’s nice.

And now I’m gonna eat my ice cream, clean my dinner dishes and go to bed, because today has truly sucked.

This is what it feels like…

You want to know what chronic illness feels like?

Chronic illness feels like having a great job, but never having the energy for it. It’s being fucked whether you bullshit that you’re ok and push through till you’re a complete wreck and collapse, or are openly honest that you have serious limitations due to your health. Either way you’ll never feel secure in your position and you’ll always take too much sick leave.

It is finding the perfect door into your dream career and knowing there’s no point applying for it because you’re on your fifth or sixth lot of antibiotics for the year and it’s only early April, which means winter is going to be hell and there’s no way you’ll cope with full time work. You’re not sure you’ll manage to cope with your part time job as it is. Maybe because you’re barely coping with it at all right now.

Chronic illness is having to convince yet another fucking doctor that you’re not a hypochondriac. It’s having to push and fight every fucking inch of the way to get the care you need, to convince them to stop treating your individual health issues as individual problems and let you speak to specialists about the potential of them being symptoms of a larger issue.

It’s being perpetual tired and sore. Always. Literally always. Aching muscles, aching joints, and fatigue greet you when you wake up and go to bed with you no matter what you do. Your idea of a pain free day would make a normal person hole up in bed with pain killers and a heat pack. You don’t get that option because shit needs to get done. Kids need to fed. Jobs attended….

And your house will never be clean because you can work or keep house, not both.

Chronic illness is being up for doing things you’re really not up for doing, because otherwise you’d go slowly and silently insane from never stepping foot out your front door. It’s having to walk shorter and easier hiking trails than you want. It’s working your ass off to be stronger whilst knowing that no matter how much work you put in you’ll never make the grade to do the things you want. It’s learning to choose slower, gentler options for leisure in the name of actually being functional for the entire day.

It’s trying to explain to other people that going camping sick is ok, you just have to take it a bit easier, because if you only went camping when you were well you’d never fucking go. It’s cancelling on your friend with the bad immune system, or the one that works with children/the elderly/the sick or the one with young children over and over again because you catch everything that goes round and they can’t afford to be sick.

Chronic illness is feeling like a fucking burden. It’s the house never being cleaned when your partner gets home. It’s asking them to cook for you after they’ve been at work all day because you’re sick again and too tired. It’s never contributing as much, doing as much or giving as much as they do. It’s the little frictions you cause because you are not as capable as you need to be. It’s the frustration of alternately being babied and asked too much of, because that middle ground is hard to find.

It’s trying not to get frustrated with well meaning suggestions and ideas that you’ve tried before. It’s trying to explain that ‘no, exercise isn’t the answer for an already exhausted body’ and that driving 4 hours to sit and crochet by a camp fire is actually worth it. It’s trying to get across the sheer complexity of existing like this to someone who never has without getting angry or treating them like their an idiot, and feeling like it always sounds like excuses.

It’s watching them close off when you try to plan for the future, because ‘what if it never gets better?’

It’s feeling like you’re holding the people you love most back in every possible way.

 

Chronic illness is the frustration of trying to explain the above and more on repeat to every person in your life, especially your loved ones. Day in and day out. It’s exhausting.

These are the pills I take of a morning at the moment, just to try and keep functional and get my immune system coping a little better with everything that’s hitting it. 7 of them are regular daily ones, the 8th is an antibiotic I’m on at the moment for round whatever-I’m-up-to of chest infections this year.

I’m angry, frustrated and tired, and done. I feel like I’m about to lose my job. I feel perpetually like a burden, no matter what I do or how much of it. I feel like I will never be able to properly financially contribute to my household, that I let my husband down and that I’m frequently a bad parent to our kids.

I want to scream and force people to live inside my body for a day, just one 24 hour period, when they tell me I’m fine, or doing too much, or not doing enough, or that it’ll get better. This is what I live with, the good days are most people’s bad days and I lie a lot about how I’m doing so people will treat me like I’m somewhat normal.

 

Today I am squiring around in the chair as a write. Standing hurts, sitting hurts, moving hurts, lying down hurts. So does typing, crochet, and lifting my tea cup, but my hands have been like that for weeks now, and we keep on going…

Ouch

My chest hurts.

Weird pain running from just above my heart-come-sternum area and into my throat. It kind of reminds me of asthma tightness coupled with a strained muscle.

Most unpleasant.

 

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