Oops, it’s February

Crap, this year is just getting away from me. It’s already been a big one.

Word art 'January' in white with blue and gold decorative swirls around it on a black background
  • Rabbit had her 1st Birthday. They’re up and crawling and getting into mischief.
  • We went camping. It was a great three nights away in Central Vic just out of Little Desert.
  • I made the call not to return to study this year as I need to focus on my health. My leave of absence was approved without an issue.
  • I dropped down a dose of my antidepressant. Outside of being sick for several days it went very well.
  • M & J got their further study offers. M is doing an associate diploma in IT and J was offered a university place in law.
  • J moved back in.
  • B went to the USA and we survived!
  • We finally got a plan mapped out for the backyard. This includes building B an office out there so Rabbit isn’t under his feet when he’s working.
Image of 'February' in decorative text with vine like decorations around it on a pink background.
  • Rabbit has started standing on her own and attempting to walk. They’re not quite there yet, but soon.
  • Dropped another 50mg off my antidepressants with minimal fuss.
  • B and I have had 2, yes TWO!!!! date nights. One at the gorgeous Le Bon Ton and one, for my birthday, at Meat Maiden.
  • I decided to start putting together a folio to apply to RMIT fine arts and then got distracted and decided to add one of the arts institues to my applications. Big folio required.
  • Did an oil painting course and it rocked and suddenly I LOVE painting.
  • Turned 35.
  • Had a tarot reading with Ly De Angeles, who is fucking amazing. It was really interesting and I’m still digesting it and transcribing it days later.
  • B went to NZ.

And, right now, I’m butting heads with my diet. I need to keep improving it, but a lot of what is good for me is downright bad for J and not really stuff M will eat, so I cook two meals every night, or variations on one meal, or suck it up? I’m really fucking frustrated. I’m not able to just say cook for yourselves either, or I don’t feel like I can. *Sigh*

Images from Every-Tuesday blog by Teela. An awesome blog for those looking to get into or improve their skills in Lettering.

2019, here we come

I thought I’d written this but apparently I accidentally deleted it.

So I did a redux, but I didn’t add a few very important things to it.

As 2018 closes I want to say thank you. Thank you to Nicole Field for her never ending patience with my cancelling of catch ups. Thank you to Amanda for her encouragement, advice and parenting support. Thank you to Morgan for persisting with our friendship despite how damned hard I make it.

And huge, epic, gratitude to my partner, my in-laws, my mum and partner, and my gorgeous step-daughters for the support, the love, the meals, the patience, the babysitting, the help cleaning house, and the acceptance of where I’m at right now.

It’s been a a fucking hard year. So next year my goals are small-ish.

  • Get Rabbit to things that involve other young children every week.
    • So far we’ve got Gymbaroo setup and I’m aiming for one or two playgroup gatherings. Someone mentioned Ceres also run a music thing for littles so I’ll look that up.
  • Finish my multitude of started projects. Off the top of my head I have:
    • Blue Blanket
    • Big Blanket
    • Rabbit’s blanket
    • Sal’s present
    • Fetch related things
  • Try intuitive painting and learn to weave.
  • Continue working on my health.
    • This one is a struggle. I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point and it is making it so hard to look after myself. I’ve been self-sabotaging all over the shop, but I’ve done some good things. I have followed my psych’s intructions and I have ordered some pre-made meals so I actually eat real food.
    • I still need to work on exercise.
  • Witchcraft, because always witchcraft.

It’s been such a hard year for me that I am trying not to over commit myself with anything for 2019. My health and Rabbit are the priorities. Creative bits come after that, but as they tend to help my sanity I will try to work on something every day.

That’s it. The motto of the year is “Baby steps are better than no steps”.

Also this is going to be read, re-read and re-read until I get it through my thick skull.

One of those projects to work on.

Decisions

I have seriously been considering shutting this blog down. 

The changes to how domains work through wordpress screw me over, adding an extra third of the cost I currently spend yearly to the bill. It’s ridiculous. 

Instead I’m considering the option of transferring my domain to the host for my business. Not sure yet. 

I have a dreamwidth account that will be used as a brain dump in a way I’m not comfortable doing in such a public forum as this blog. Friends can touch base to get the details if they want it. 

Life goes on, I’m sick and feel awful tonight but I had a long bath and that was awesome. 

The Worst

The worst thing about depression is the things your brain tells you that you know aren’t true but you can’t help feeling anyway. 

Right now I am feeling like a waste of air, worth nothing, and hopelessly incapable of even being a good mother. Logically I know that this isn’t even a little bit true, but fucked if I don’t want to bawl like a baby anyway. 

2018 Redux

Christ, what a year it’s been. Talk about an emotional roller coaster. 

I was diagnosed with:

  • carpel tunnel
  • osteoarthritis in both knees
  • thorasic opening syndrome 
  • glandular fever
  • 3 chest infections
  • 2 sinus infections 
  • Something wrong with liver function (yesterday)

My mental health has gone from ok to bad to worse with some occasional upswings that then became big drops. My meds have doubled in under 12 months to try and keep up and are failing to do so. Which has been really tough with a baby in the house. 

My health has cost me a contract I was loving, and caused me to – temporarily – drop university until I’m doing better. I’ve been an absolute flake on social matters and just over all struggled to get out with a few exceptions. I also never made it to bellydance which makes me incredibly sad.

My Beloved has had a rough year himself so we’re both worn out and tetchy at this point, but doing our best to hold ourselves together and support each other. 

And then the cat got sick and, fuck me, that was a terrifying 24 hours.

But, with the bad comes the things that hold us here. Starting with the biggest thing of the year – giving birth in January. She’s the light of my life, and literally has kept me alive this year. 

Image of my infant daughter when she was only a week old. She's tiny and wrapped in a white muslin swaddle with monsters on it.

Rabbit

This little darling has gone from strength to strength. Watching a child grow is fascinating, watching them learn is delightful and there is nothing more beautiful in the world than your own child. 

And she went from this too…

This! 

Almost 11 months old, crawling, standing, trying to walk (she can with support from someone bigger) and feeding herself reasonably well. She’s a brave explorer of the world – yesterday she climbed down the stairs at home for the first time. She likes to dance and garden. She thinks water is the best and  bath time is AWESOME. She loves people especially her big sisters, Nanny L and Poppy, and absolutely adores Daddy. 

My gorgeous parents-in-law have been amazing with her and helping us out as we try to hold our sanity and heath together. I really couldn’t have survived the past 2 months without them.

The twins graduated and turned 18! It was a pretty rough ride for both of them, but they made it work and we are so incredibly proud of both of them. J is moving out of home shortly and M has job interviews lined up, both are waiting on their final results and university offers. 

My Mum got engaged! I am so happy for her and looking forward to the wedding. 

My lovely friend Miss A started her own dance business – APB Dance

My dear friend Nik has been like a second Mum to Rabbit through the year and a huge support to me. 

I started painting again. 

And most importantly I finally said enough is enough with my mental health an dasked for a referral to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist I’m seeing was recommended by my psychologist and has a holistic practice where he is working with me to address the underlying physiological issues to my depression so that A) my meds can work, and B) we can hopefully lower my medication dosage or maybe get me off them entirely. 

So that’s where I’m signing off. It’s been a hard, emotionally taxing, and sleep deprived year, but as always we sign off hoping for better in the New Year. 


STAAAAAHP!

Seriously though, can the emotional roller coaster of this year stop already?

Latest massive stressor:

Mao in his blanket nest at the vet office.

The cat-butt stopped eating this week. He’d been a touch off temper for a bit but it just went downhill. 

Turns out our poor boy has joined team Irritable Bowel Disease and had a massively inflamed pancreas and stomach. He’s still at the vets, but we saw him today and he’s looking much better. 

He also has the very early stages of kidney disease, but this isn’t so surprising given that he’s 13 next month. It’s an old man disease I am reliably informed. 

And to top that off I have yet another infection – left side sinus this time, and it hurts like a bitch. Feels like my head has been taken to with a pick-axe. 

Aaaaaand, Rabbit went through a sleep regression over the past fortnight. You want to know what doesn’t help recovery from glandular fever? A baby waking up every fucking hour over night. She’s back to normal sleep now, thankfully. 

So it’s been a rough couple of weeks. On the upside the lovely people I was contracting with have had me back in for a couple of days to fill some gaps. It’s tiring, but good to stay in touch. 

So yeah, fun time.