I’ve been busting my ass for almost 5 solid months now. From last November through to today (and probably for a few more months to come. Lately I have hit complete burnout. Charlie can just not deal right now. So my beloved is out and I am sitting at home, in the A/C, poisoning myself with pizza that I ordered to be not poisonous. Turns out the local Crust Pizza is stupid and I can’t order from there, but I was too lazy to send it back.
That’s how fucking over it I am. I ordered from Crust and didn’t tell them to fuck off when the order arrived with a regular base and onions.
It’s bad, I tell you.
The good is that being this burnt out has lead to some serious thought on my future, where I want to be and what I want to be doing. There’s good news, because somewhere along the line I’ve started looking at life much more holistically. Gone are the days of screaming this bits wrong and flailing at it.
Everything is wrong. So dead fucking wrong, but this isn’t a whine post. Fuck whine posts. Here’s what’s happening, I read this article about two weeks ago and it got my mind churning (despite the constant zombie brain – did I mention I slept a solid 12 hours last night?).
The author of that article talks about educating oneself. So I am. I’m not doing courses in business or picking up a new degree or something like that. I’m working through a Lynda.com short course on better communication. Why? Because I’m shy, and awkward, and I’ve let that get in the way for a long time. So I’m improving my ability to talk to people in a professional environment.
I’m discussing what I need at work with my boss. I started with some management issues I’ve been having with my direct report. Next up I’ve put some serious thought into what my role is and what I want it to be. By next week I should be able to communicate exactly what I want my role to look like and a plan to get us from here to there.
I eat like crap, I don’t exercise enough, I never get enough sleep and I’m in pain. The solution to this, to be blunt, is to stop eating like crap, get some useful exercise and start getting enough sleep. Just stop being an idiot about it all. Although I stand by tonight’s pizza binge because sometimes pizza is about the soul, not the body.
I’m on the verge of complete burnout and it finally occurred to me I have a problem. Some of it stems from the things above, but some of the above – especially the food and sleep related bits – stem from this one thing: I can not turn off from work. Depression isn’t an issue and anxiety is mostly under control, but I can not turn off at night. Dancing used to be my go to, but lately it doesn’t really help – I’m already physically exhausted – so meditation is going back on my to do list. I’m hoping it will help and from there I guess I’ll just explore the possibilities.
I’m also going to read. Read and read and read. I keep putting the books down because I don’t have a lot of time, but I love to read. It relaxes me and makes my mind refocus on other things… so I am going to read!
And this is the end of the post that Charlie built. That’s it, no more to see, byeeee.