I thought I’d written this but apparently I accidentally deleted it.
So I did a redux, but I didn’t add a few very important things to it.
As 2018 closes I want to say thank you. Thank you to Nicole Field for her never ending patience with my cancelling of catch ups. Thank you to Amanda for her encouragement, advice and parenting support. Thank you to Morgan for persisting with our friendship despite how damned hard I make it.
And huge, epic, gratitude to my partner, my in-laws, my mum and partner, and my gorgeous step-daughters for the support, the love, the meals, the patience, the babysitting, the help cleaning house, and the acceptance of where I’m at right now.
It’s been a a fucking hard year. So next year my goals are small-ish.
Get Rabbit to things that involve other young children every week.
So far we’ve got Gymbaroo setup and I’m aiming for one or two playgroup gatherings. Someone mentioned Ceres also run a music thing for littles so I’ll look that up.
Finish my multitude of started projects. Off the top of my head I have:
Fetch related things
Try intuitive painting and learn to weave.
Continue working on my health.
This one is a struggle. I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point and it is making it so hard to look after myself. I’ve been self-sabotaging all over the shop, but I’ve done some good things. I have followed my psych’s intructions and I have ordered some pre-made meals so I actually eat real food.
I still need to work on exercise.
Witchcraft, because always witchcraft.
It’s been such a hard year for me that I am trying not to over commit myself with anything for 2019. My health and Rabbit are the priorities. Creative bits come after that, but as they tend to help my sanity I will try to work on something every day.
That’s it. The motto of the year is “Baby steps are better than no steps”.
The worst thing about depression is the things your brain tells you that you know aren’t true but you can’t help feeling anyway.
Right now I am feeling like a waste of air, worth nothing, and hopelessly incapable of even being a good mother. Logically I know that this isn’t even a little bit true, but fucked if I don’t want to bawl like a baby anyway.
Christ, what a year it’s been. Talk about an emotional roller coaster.
I was diagnosed with:
osteoarthritis in both knees
thorasic opening syndrome
3 chest infections
2 sinus infections
Something wrong with liver function (yesterday)
My mental health has gone from ok to bad to worse with some occasional upswings that then became big drops. My meds have doubled in under 12 months to try and keep up and are failing to do so. Which has been really tough with a baby in the house.
My health has cost me a contract I was loving, and caused me to – temporarily – drop university until I’m doing better. I’ve been an absolute flake on social matters and just over all struggled to get out with a few exceptions. I also never made it to bellydance which makes me incredibly sad.
My Beloved has had a rough year himself so we’re both worn out and tetchy at this point, but doing our best to hold ourselves together and support each other.
And then the cat got sick and, fuck me, that was a terrifying 24 hours.
But, with the bad comes the things that hold us here. Starting with the biggest thing of the year – giving birth in January. She’s the light of my life, and literally has kept me alive this year.
This little darling has gone from strength to strength. Watching a child grow is fascinating, watching them learn is delightful and there is nothing more beautiful in the world than your own child.
And she went from this too…
Almost 11 months old, crawling, standing, trying to walk (she can with support from someone bigger) and feeding herself reasonably well. She’s a brave explorer of the world – yesterday she climbed down the stairs at home for the first time. She likes to dance and garden. She thinks water is the best and bath time is AWESOME. She loves people especially her big sisters, Nanny L and Poppy, and absolutely adores Daddy.
My gorgeous parents-in-law have been amazing with her and helping us out as we try to hold our sanity and heath together. I really couldn’t have survived the past 2 months without them.
The twins graduated and turned 18! It was a pretty rough ride for both of them, but they made it work and we are so incredibly proud of both of them. J is moving out of home shortly and M has job interviews lined up, both are waiting on their final results and university offers.
My Mum got engaged! I am so happy for her and looking forward to the wedding.
My lovely friend Miss A started her own dance business – APB Dance
My dear friend Nik has been like a second Mum to Rabbit through the year and a huge support to me.
I started painting again.
And most importantly I finally said enough is enough with my mental health an dasked for a referral to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist I’m seeing was recommended by my psychologist and has a holistic practice where he is working with me to address the underlying physiological issues to my depression so that A) my meds can work, and B) we can hopefully lower my medication dosage or maybe get me off them entirely.
So that’s where I’m signing off. It’s been a hard, emotionally taxing, and sleep deprived year, but as always we sign off hoping for better in the New Year.
Seriously though, can the emotional roller coaster of this year stop already?
Latest massive stressor:
The cat-butt stopped eating this week. He’d been a touch off temper for a bit but it just went downhill.
Turns out our poor boy has joined team Irritable Bowel Disease and had a massively inflamed pancreas and stomach. He’s still at the vets, but we saw him today and he’s looking much better.
He also has the very early stages of kidney disease, but this isn’t so surprising given that he’s 13 next month. It’s an old man disease I am reliably informed.
And to top that off I have yet another infection – left side sinus this time, and it hurts like a bitch. Feels like my head has been taken to with a pick-axe.
Aaaaaand, Rabbit went through a sleep regression over the past fortnight. You want to know what doesn’t help recovery from glandular fever? A baby waking up every fucking hour over night. She’s back to normal sleep now, thankfully.
So it’s been a rough couple of weeks. On the upside the lovely people I was contracting with have had me back in for a couple of days to fill some gaps. It’s tiring, but good to stay in touch.
Depending on what parts of my social media you follow and whether you’ve seen me in the past few weeks you will or won’t know what’s happening or may know bits of it…
So as mentioned in the last pot – I got, at the same time, glandular fever, a strain of the flu and a sinus infection. I’m through the worst of it. I can’t breath for shit as the infection is in my upper respitory area and I’m permenantly exhausted as that’s what happens when you get glandular fever, but I’m through the worst of it.
I will still need a lot of rest over the next few weeks.
Rabbit has been really sick with a nasty chest infection and is stillr recovering. And my beloved Wolf is pretty exhausted, as he has post viral syndrome, because he got glandular fever months ago and worked through it rather than resting.
So it’s a pretty exhausted and miserable household right now.
In the process of getting all of these I have lost the contract I had. I’m really sad about that, but as a tiny litttle business they needed someone who was well enough to show up. We’ve parted on good terms at least.
I also had to drop out of uni this semester as I was incapable of doing the work required.
What happens next?
I’m going to be very tired for a while. I’ve picked up a theory unit at uni next semester as it will be less work for me, but very little paid work for me for the next little while.
But my main focus is nurturing me and the family. Some gentle yoga, better food to build up our immune systems, and reading. Lots of reading. I need to read.
Rabbit will be dropped back to 1 day a week at kindy shortly so I’ll be looking to do things with her most the time. If anyone has ideas shout out. She’s not walking yet, but she’s curios about everything. We’re in the northern suburbs of Melbourne, Australia if any mums are local and have thoughts.
Once we’re both a lot healthier we’ll be working on finally getting the backyard done. I think the plan is to be laying turf in late Jan/early Feb is anyone is interested in helping out in exchange for food and drink.
Uhm, yeah, so this is it. This is where I’m at. I’m exhausted, and a bit sad, and just trying to move forward and take care of myself. My priorities are tight – my family, my health, uni.