The worst thing about depression is the things your brain tells you that you know aren’t true but you can’t help feeling anyway.
Right now I am feeling like a waste of air, worth nothing, and hopelessly incapable of even being a good mother. Logically I know that this isn’t even a little bit true, but fucked if I don’t want to bawl like a baby anyway.
Christ, what a year it’s been. Talk about an emotional roller coaster.
I was diagnosed with:
osteoarthritis in both knees
thorasic opening syndrome
3 chest infections
2 sinus infections
Something wrong with liver function (yesterday)
My mental health has gone from ok to bad to worse with some occasional upswings that then became big drops. My meds have doubled in under 12 months to try and keep up and are failing to do so. Which has been really tough with a baby in the house.
My health has cost me a contract I was loving, and caused me to – temporarily – drop university until I’m doing better. I’ve been an absolute flake on social matters and just over all struggled to get out with a few exceptions. I also never made it to bellydance which makes me incredibly sad.
My Beloved has had a rough year himself so we’re both worn out and tetchy at this point, but doing our best to hold ourselves together and support each other.
And then the cat got sick and, fuck me, that was a terrifying 24 hours.
But, with the bad comes the things that hold us here. Starting with the biggest thing of the year – giving birth in January. She’s the light of my life, and literally has kept me alive this year.
This little darling has gone from strength to strength. Watching a child grow is fascinating, watching them learn is delightful and there is nothing more beautiful in the world than your own child.
And she went from this too…
Almost 11 months old, crawling, standing, trying to walk (she can with support from someone bigger) and feeding herself reasonably well. She’s a brave explorer of the world – yesterday she climbed down the stairs at home for the first time. She likes to dance and garden. She thinks water is the best and bath time is AWESOME. She loves people especially her big sisters, Nanny L and Poppy, and absolutely adores Daddy.
My gorgeous parents-in-law have been amazing with her and helping us out as we try to hold our sanity and heath together. I really couldn’t have survived the past 2 months without them.
The twins graduated and turned 18! It was a pretty rough ride for both of them, but they made it work and we are so incredibly proud of both of them. J is moving out of home shortly and M has job interviews lined up, both are waiting on their final results and university offers.
My Mum got engaged! I am so happy for her and looking forward to the wedding.
My lovely friend Miss A started her own dance business – APB Dance
My dear friend Nik has been like a second Mum to Rabbit through the year and a huge support to me.
I started painting again.
And most importantly I finally said enough is enough with my mental health an dasked for a referral to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist I’m seeing was recommended by my psychologist and has a holistic practice where he is working with me to address the underlying physiological issues to my depression so that A) my meds can work, and B) we can hopefully lower my medication dosage or maybe get me off them entirely.
So that’s where I’m signing off. It’s been a hard, emotionally taxing, and sleep deprived year, but as always we sign off hoping for better in the New Year.
Seriously though, can the emotional roller coaster of this year stop already?
Latest massive stressor:
The cat-butt stopped eating this week. He’d been a touch off temper for a bit but it just went downhill.
Turns out our poor boy has joined team Irritable Bowel Disease and had a massively inflamed pancreas and stomach. He’s still at the vets, but we saw him today and he’s looking much better.
He also has the very early stages of kidney disease, but this isn’t so surprising given that he’s 13 next month. It’s an old man disease I am reliably informed.
And to top that off I have yet another infection – left side sinus this time, and it hurts like a bitch. Feels like my head has been taken to with a pick-axe.
Aaaaaand, Rabbit went through a sleep regression over the past fortnight. You want to know what doesn’t help recovery from glandular fever? A baby waking up every fucking hour over night. She’s back to normal sleep now, thankfully.
So it’s been a rough couple of weeks. On the upside the lovely people I was contracting with have had me back in for a couple of days to fill some gaps. It’s tiring, but good to stay in touch.
Depending on what parts of my social media you follow and whether you’ve seen me in the past few weeks you will or won’t know what’s happening or may know bits of it…
So as mentioned in the last pot – I got, at the same time, glandular fever, a strain of the flu and a sinus infection. I’m through the worst of it. I can’t breath for shit as the infection is in my upper respitory area and I’m permenantly exhausted as that’s what happens when you get glandular fever, but I’m through the worst of it.
I will still need a lot of rest over the next few weeks.
Rabbit has been really sick with a nasty chest infection and is stillr recovering. And my beloved Wolf is pretty exhausted, as he has post viral syndrome, because he got glandular fever months ago and worked through it rather than resting.
So it’s a pretty exhausted and miserable household right now.
In the process of getting all of these I have lost the contract I had. I’m really sad about that, but as a tiny litttle business they needed someone who was well enough to show up. We’ve parted on good terms at least.
I also had to drop out of uni this semester as I was incapable of doing the work required.
What happens next?
I’m going to be very tired for a while. I’ve picked up a theory unit at uni next semester as it will be less work for me, but very little paid work for me for the next little while.
But my main focus is nurturing me and the family. Some gentle yoga, better food to build up our immune systems, and reading. Lots of reading. I need to read.
Rabbit will be dropped back to 1 day a week at kindy shortly so I’ll be looking to do things with her most the time. If anyone has ideas shout out. She’s not walking yet, but she’s curios about everything. We’re in the northern suburbs of Melbourne, Australia if any mums are local and have thoughts.
Once we’re both a lot healthier we’ll be working on finally getting the backyard done. I think the plan is to be laying turf in late Jan/early Feb is anyone is interested in helping out in exchange for food and drink.
Uhm, yeah, so this is it. This is where I’m at. I’m exhausted, and a bit sad, and just trying to move forward and take care of myself. My priorities are tight – my family, my health, uni.
And one of the strains of influenza they didn’t vaccinate for this year…
And then I got a respitory infection on top of those…
So I’m not employed anymore and I’ve had to take the rest of semester off of uni.
That was a bit of a change from my last post.
Poor little Rabbit also has a chest infection and my darly Wolf appaears to have post viral syndrome – which basically means he had glandular fever but worked through it so now he’s just got that lingering fatigue.
Not fun on the home front. Working on some art for me now. Well art for some friends of mine.
It’s that time of year where I start looking at doing a review of 2018 and putting some plan in for 2019. Everything has been so crazy tihs year though. We shall see.
I really enjoy working in events. It’s great and the team I’m working for are lovely. The work is all day and full on so I don’t get bored and clock watch at all, which is wonderful. I also don’t tend to bring any of the day’s stresses home with me.
I got a HD for my first portfolio submission at uni. I was half way through my 2nd year when I dropped out and was a bit worried that it would go to hell in a hand basket as I was out of practice. All is good. (Two of my first works below)
Two fo my works from my first portfolio
Rabbit is growing fast and turning into a right little explorer of the world. She loves water, and gardening. Unfortunately I’ve had to cordon off one of my plants as she tries to garden inside a lot. She also enjoys food a lot aespecially vegemite and cheese sandwiches (but also including catfood and random things off the floor).
I’m really enjoying my studies, and am plannign personal artworks for when I have 5 damned minutes. I have a painting sketched up for one friend and another in development for a different friend.
Christ things are hard.
There’s nothing other then the three things above.
All my work on my mental health has stalled and I’ve lost a lot of ground. I’ve barely been able to work for my other clients in months and I’m perpetually out of spoons. I havent moped, cooked a decent meal or spent much time with my Beloved Wolf for quite a while and I see no end in sight.
I leave off uni for two days and then I completely ose my routine and start struggling to keep up, but working every night leaves no time for anything outside of Rabbit – which I have to bust my ass to make time for as it is.
I don’t know, there’s no point to this. Life is life, and right now it’s hard.