I’ve been contracting with an awesome business for the past while and I’ve been asked to stay on a potential 12 more months working alongside the admin I’ve been covering maternity leave for as she’d like to go part-time for a while so she’s not away from her Little too much.
I am absolutely down for that.
Secondary win. They are chill about me needing time off when it’s time to finally go off my meds. They’ve been hugely supportive actually. It’s nice.
I’m dropping down my antidepressant medication which hasn’t been much drama in the past, but apparently this is no longer the case. I did know the last 2 doses (100mg to 50mg and then 50mg to 0) would be the hardest, but I wasn’t counting on my beloved being away for week 1 and extremely sick and bedridden for week 2.
I feel like crap. I am emotionally either completely checked out or wanting to cry and hide. This is not fun when trying to care for a toddler and a bedridden partner.
I also feel hopeless. I’m meant to be working on improving my health but all I want to do is crawl into a hole. Everything is just way too hard and I keep looking at all the (often conflicting) advice and information I’ve been given over the years and stalling
I’ve also been reading this book: Brief Lessons in Creativity by Tate. I haven’t finished it despite it being tiny which is frustrating, however it has inspired the sanest response to the diet thing I have managed to have.
Just start. Pick a spot, any spot, and start working. So I am. Simple spot to start with: Lactose and Soft drink. Neither get along with my gut so I’m starting with removing them.
I know where I want to be at the end of this. It’s something resembling a Paleo or Keto diet with a tiny bit more carbs involved (I need them evil carbs for serotonin uptake issues that influence my depression), but I can’t just ‘do it’ right now. So I’m starting with one thing that I can, and have previously, managed to do and working on it that way.
Since my last post I started work, then we went to Confest, teething begun, Rabbit got sick, I applied to uni, then I got sick, then Daddy got sick, then we all got better, then we all got sick again and now we are right here….
Sick. We’re always sick. Goddamned Kindy
It’s been hectic. Really hectic, and to top it off I’m dropping another dose of my meds. Which brings me down to a quarter of what I was on in January. Today is the first day.
Crap, this year is just getting away from me. It’s already been a big one.
Rabbit had her 1st Birthday. They’re up and crawling and getting into mischief.
We went camping. It was a great three nights away in Central Vic just out of Little Desert.
I made the call not to return to study this year as I need to focus on my health. My leave of absence was approved without an issue.
I dropped down a dose of my antidepressant. Outside of being sick for several days it went very well.
M & J got their further study offers. M is doing an associate diploma in IT and J was offered a university place in law.
J moved back in.
B went to the USA and we survived!
We finally got a plan mapped out for the backyard. This includes building B an office out there so Rabbit isn’t under his feet when he’s working.
Rabbit has started standing on her own and attempting to walk. They’re not quite there yet, but soon.
Dropped another 50mg off my antidepressants with minimal fuss.
B and I have had 2, yes TWO!!!! date nights. One at the gorgeous Le Bon Ton and one, for my birthday, at Meat Maiden.
I decided to start putting together a folio to apply to RMIT fine arts and then got distracted and decided to add one of the arts institues to my applications. Big folio required.
Did an oil painting course and it rocked and suddenly I LOVE painting.
Had a tarot reading with Ly De Angeles, who is fucking amazing. It was really interesting and I’m still digesting it and transcribing it days later.
B went to NZ.
And, right now, I’m butting heads with my diet. I need to keep improving it, but a lot of what is good for me is downright bad for J and not really stuff M will eat, so I cook two meals every night, or variations on one meal, or suck it up? I’m really fucking frustrated. I’m not able to just say cook for yourselves either, or I don’t feel like I can. *Sigh*
I thought I’d written this but apparently I accidentally deleted it.
So I did a redux, but I didn’t add a few very important things to it.
As 2018 closes I want to say thank you. Thank you to Nicole Field for her never ending patience with my cancelling of catch ups. Thank you to Amanda for her encouragement, advice and parenting support. Thank you to Morgan for persisting with our friendship despite how damned hard I make it.
And huge, epic, gratitude to my partner, my in-laws, my mum and partner, and my gorgeous step-daughters for the support, the love, the meals, the patience, the babysitting, the help cleaning house, and the acceptance of where I’m at right now.
It’s been a a fucking hard year. So next year my goals are small-ish.
Get Rabbit to things that involve other young children every week.
So far we’ve got Gymbaroo setup and I’m aiming for one or two playgroup gatherings. Someone mentioned Ceres also run a music thing for littles so I’ll look that up.
Finish my multitude of started projects. Off the top of my head I have:
Fetch related things
Try intuitive painting and learn to weave.
Continue working on my health.
This one is a struggle. I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel at this point and it is making it so hard to look after myself. I’ve been self-sabotaging all over the shop, but I’ve done some good things. I have followed my psych’s intructions and I have ordered some pre-made meals so I actually eat real food.
I still need to work on exercise.
Witchcraft, because always witchcraft.
It’s been such a hard year for me that I am trying not to over commit myself with anything for 2019. My health and Rabbit are the priorities. Creative bits come after that, but as they tend to help my sanity I will try to work on something every day.
That’s it. The motto of the year is “Baby steps are better than no steps”.