Well, things aren’t bad. In fact, they’re on the up.
Moods have slowly improved as the medication changes have settled, soul-searching and digging continues at a steady pace. I got to take my mum out for dinner for an early mother’s day gift, The Wolf and I are doing fantastic and our teens are, as ever, awesome.
And then there’s this cutey:
And then there’s the sleep dep which is making me want to curl up and cry right now. Can’t win them all I guess.
I went out, I saw people, I did all the things. I think the actual fact of it was that I was too busy to notice how fucked up I was. This week I’m not, and I have fallen over completely. Crying at the drop of a hat. Feeling guilty about needing time to study. Feeling even worse about taking time to myself to the point that I’m not. If I can’t drop it instantly to deal with family/house/baby I’m avoiding it entirely…
We leave for camping on Wednesday and I’m back to not wanting to go. Afraid I’ll just fuck it up for everyone else.
Here’s to the tears. Another week of surviving. Another round of medication changes. And another week of one foot in front of the other regardless of the brain.
I’ve not had much energy for blogging in the past few weeks so it’s now mid-March and no one has heard anything from me since January.
Rabbit is ever adorable, sleeping quite well for her age and developing nicely.
I’m back at uni and enjoying it.
I have the world’s best partner who is doing their best to take care of me.
My blood pressure has returned to normal after a few weeks of it being very high post birth.
I am doing some work with a lovely lady and learning some new skills along the way.
Uni is a struggle, do you know hard it is to study with an infant? Really fucking hard.
I do not function well without sleep.
I had to stop working on the Hekate stuff to fit in life stuff. This makes me sad.
I am so many shades of out of spoons.
The (really) Ugly:
My mental health has gone to hell in a handbasket. Primarily, we feel, because of lack of sleep combined with the added stress of motherhood and uni combined. I am… unwell. Very much so. The people I want to know the details already do, but suffice to say my medication is being upped to help my brain cope with everything and I’ve done an awful lot of crying recently.
I got to sleep to 6:30am this morning. Rabbit usually wakes at 5:30am so this was awesome! I feel good. I’ve done housework I’ve been putting off for a couple of days even and it’s only 10am.
So, Rabbit is 3 weeks today. In the past 3 weeks I have learnt something important: Babies are a fuckton of work and I can’t do all the things I want to. I need to nap at least once a day with her in order to be functional for her 12-1am feed and she needs a lot of my time with feeds, nappy changes and playing. We’ve resolved one problem by putting together her big cot in the loungeroom so she can play and nap out here with me during the day.
Unfortunately, all that means I’ve had to drop things. The main one is my Hekate course. I can pick it up in the next cycle of it so it’s not a drama, but I’m a bit sad. I simply can’t keep up with it right now and I definitely won’t be able to catch up and keep up with it when uni starts back at the end of Feb.
With that said, there is some good news. I’m developing a nice routine with the little one and that means I’m doing ok with my self-care. My mental health is holding up surprisingly well, and I’m physically doing pretty damned well. My shoulders are killing me, but I’ll sort out a massage to right that soon. The girls are back at school so I have a bit of quiet and calm at home during the week now, after several months of someone always being here. Also Kovu the Dog has chilled the fuck out and is back to behaving himself for the most part. Still working on the barking but it’s getting better.
My Mate is away for work for 10 days and I’m missing him like blazes. However, I’m managing the home stuff and I’m upright. I’m also super proud of him. He knows why I am.
There’s been very little creative stuff this last 2 weeks, but I’ve continued on Rabbit’s blanket and am about to start a little gift for a friend’s baby which is due in a few weeks.
Pregnancy recovery is a slow process. Very slow and tedious, and frustrating on top of that. I’m getting into a routine with Rabbit that means I get enough sleep, I’m showering daily which is very nice and so far my stitches appear to be healing well. Next step is exercise…
Yesterday we took Rabbit and Kovu the Dog, our giant German Shepherd, for a walk at the same time. By the end of it, I was in tears. Kovu just would not behave for me and was dragging on the lead which was not ok for me. By the time I got back to the house I was frustrated, in pain and cried all over My Mate.
Tonight I took him again. I was worried I’d have a repeat of yesterday, but apparently, that was the presence of Rabbit and My Mate causing the issues. Tonight he happily walked at heel for the entire, very short, walk.
He’s still very anxious around Rabbit and tends to freak out and start ignoring commands. I’m getting a dog trainer out to help me deal with this soon as it can’t be happening while My Mate is in the USA late this month.